GET CHRISTIE LOVE!: Teresa Graves in TV GUIDE, November 30-December 6, 1974

Fifty years ago this week, Teresa Graves graced the cover of TV Guide, two months after the premiere of GET CHRISTIE LOVE!  

"He throws her to the floor.  She gets up.  He knocks her down again.  She kicks him.  She stomps him hard with her foot and uses karate to toss him over her shoulder....Then Time out for Bible Study".  

So begins Richard Warren Lewis' cover story, written some eight months after Miss Graves was baptized a Jehovah's Witness.  Her trailer on set is noted to have a New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures and several copies of Awake magazine rather than the expected "Hollywood trade papers and dog-eared scripts".   

 

Maybe this issue, from July 1974, was one of them

Graves relates spending 100 hours per month (nights and weekends) pioneering for Jehovah, and her agreement with producers guaranteed her a 5 P.M. release once a week for Bible study along with a two day furlough to attend the sect's Dodger Stadium assembly.

It's too bad TV Guide is typically skimpy with the photos, as the only accompanying one is shown above.  Still, we do get a thorough retrospective on Graves' career, with the star apparently time limited (or perhaps reticent) and co-manager Laura Brillstein filling in the blanks for Lewis.  "She played the hippy-dippy girl on LAUGH-IN, but that's not Teresa".  Indeed it isn't, Miss Graves is a non-smoker and non-drinker who lives with and supports her mother.  (This would incidentally also be the case some 28 years later when Graves sadly perished in a house blaze; Graves' mother had recently had a stroke and was hospitalized and thus not at the home when it caught fire in October 2002.)

Manager Laura Brillstein keeps a scrapbook for her client, admitting that "in six years, I don't think she (Teresa) has saved a clipping".  She also admits that "we have no immediate plans for what Teresa is going to do if and then this series is over".  Further, "she has expressed no tremendous desire to be a superstar.  If it happens, it is going to be in spite of  Teresa".  As it would turn out, GET CHRISTIE LOVE! would be her Hollywood swan song: a year after this issue was on the newsstands, Graves had already walked away from showbiz for good at age 27.  

Teresa Graves in VAMPIRA

One can certainly see that coming from reading Lewis' article.  VAMPIRA (playing a titular creature) and BLACK EYE (as a bisexual girlfriend of the lead detective) are cited as two projects Graves had taken pre-conversion but would not have considered after it.  Lewis himself notes the impact on her vehicle: "with the downgrading of violence has come a lessening of the show's original bite".  

To further that thought, Cleveland Amory's review in this issue is POLICE WOMAN, NBC's more successful female undercover officer given a Friday time slot following SANFORD AND SON and new hits CHICO AND THE MAN and THE ROCKFORD FILES.  Predictably, Amory isn't all that impressed with the show, but the review certainly describes the key difference between it and CHRISTIE succinctly.  POLICE WOMAN has "so far given you either rape or prostitution every week, although once in a while, as a special treat, you get drugs!"  Proving that POLICE WOMAN was giving the 10 P.M. audience what it wanted half a century ago, Angie Dickinson and the late Earl Holliman were off to a four year run on NBC.  Meanwhile, the content restricted CHRISTIE was gone by the Spring of '75.   GetTV has run POLICE WOMAN on weekends recently, though it is currently on hiatus. 

This issue (mine is the Cleveland edition) contains a six-page TV Guide insert that you would only see in the heart of the Seventies:  a Happy Hour Mixology with 45 drink recipes plus a Primer of Happy Hour Astrology!  The picture makes it clear, this is your guide to impressing the opposite sex (and presumably, drunkenly getting it on after the Christmas party!).

Yes, you'll have all the answers when inevitably asked "What's your sign?"

And you'll have new fewer than 45 bartending choices, so your odds of being able to mix her favorite just got worlds better.  TV Guide, giving you all your viewing choices AND helping you get laid for the holidays.  But just in case you strike out (maybe you're just the wrong sign?) we've got TV listings for you too!

If you're not reading Mitchell Hadley's weekly vintage TV Guide reviews every Saturday at It's About TV, you should be.  When he does an issue from the 1960's, he compares ED SULLIVAN to HOLLYWOOD PALACE; for his Seventies issues, we get DON KIRSHNER'S ROCK CONCERT versus MIDNIGHT SPECIAL every week.  Following Mitchell's example, I'll do the same:

The Cleveland area has an embarrassment of riches at 1 A.M. early Saturday, first off.  We have NBC's MIDNIGHT SPECIAL going head to head with not one, but two KIRSHNERs.  Check it out:

MIDNIGHT SPECIAL gives us Tom Jones, Chuck Berry and....Kiki Dee???  Ok, two out of three ain't bad, especially when Tom and Chuck do a medley together.  KIRSHNER 1 counters with Felix Cavaliere and Donovan; KIRSHNER 2 gives us Golden Earring, Bloodstone and Jo Jo Gunne.  Neither is a bad option, but SPECIAL wins this battle hands down with two Hall of Famers.  Having said that, check out a third option, WIDE WORLD IN CONCERT, going head to head with Carson an hour and a half earlier:

Kirshner created this monster, which ran on ABC approximately bi-weekly from 1972 to 1975, leaving it to go syndicated with the show bearing his name.  And check out this powerhouse lineup with two Hall of Famers in its own right: Sly and the Family Stone?  The late, great Minnie Riperton?  And Rush, fresh off their first album?  Easily eclipsing both Kirshner shows later that night, and it would create a dilemma if it aired at 1:00.  It's likely that this was one of Rush's earliest shows with Neil Peart, who made his debut with the band on August 11 that year.  Fortunately in this pre-VCR era, you can catch this at 11:30 PM and change the channel to MIDNIGHT SPECIAL right after for a phenomenal Friday night of concerts.  And if you get lucky thanks to your newfound drink and astrology wizardry, you have some great music to make out to.

KIRSHNER might be beaten on Friday by the networks, but shows the power of syndication by having three additional cracks at it on Saturday night at 11:30, going head to head to head with himself on Channels 5, 9 and 35!  We don't have a listing for Channel 35's offering, so if these two lineups don't float your boat you can take your chances with that one.  Channel 9 offers Fleetwood Mac (pre-Lindsay and Stevie), Weather Report and Blue Swede (ooga chaka!)  Channel 5's ROCK CONCERT counters with the Edgar Winter Group and Foghat.  Suffice to say that no matter what your taste you could find some live music to your liking at some point on the weekends.

Speaking of multiple options in syndication, 1974 was a great time to be a GILLIGAN'S ISLAND fan living in Ohio.

  

Yes, that's GILLIGAN going head to head to head with itself at 4 P.M. on channels 6, 13 and 33, and channel 43 wisely avoiding the fray by airing its GILLIGAN a half hour after the chaos at 4:30!  Better still, Channel 24 offered you a fifth trip to the Island at 7 P.M. each weekday!  If you don't like MIKE DOUGLAS, MERV GRIFFIN or GILLIGAN though, your options seem somewhat limited.  Though I could always deal with Charo in 1974:

You could too, admit it!

Getting back to our articles for a minute, it says something that Teresa Graves got the cover over two guys at the peak of their respective powers in December 1974.  First we have Paul Newman, just a week away from hitting theatres in THE TOWERING INFERNO.  His TV venture for the week is narrating The Wild Places for NBC, airing Monday the 2nd and spotlighting America's wilderness areas: a caribou range in Alaska, Utah's Red Rock Canyon and Minnesota's North Woods lakes among them.  Newman likely had a tough go in the ratings against THE ROOKIES and GUNSMOKE though.

And second, John Denver, who got the plum spot of 8 P.M. Sunday night on ABC for his latest special, Back Home Again.  Obviously, he plays that track, sings with guest Doris Day, and of course gets around to "Thank God I'm a Country Boy". 

Dick Van Dyke and George Gobel help supply the comedy, and Denver gets his own showcase article indicating that many more ABC specials are forthcoming.  Indeed there are, one or two annually through 1983.

Competing with Denver is the debut of AMY PRENTISS, yet another female detective making her debut in 1974-75.  Jessica Walter has the title role in this spinoff of IRONSIDE (in its final season) and has a lot going for it: William Shatner guest stars in the debut and it is the newest spoke in the NBC MYSTERY MOVIE.  Alas, both POLICE WOMAN and CHRISTIE LOVE outlast it: PRENTISS airs only three installments and is gone by February.  All is not lost, though: Walter does win an Emmy for outstanding actress in a limited series, beating out Susan Saint James.

My Dolphins beat the Bengals 24-3 on MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, but the one and only World Bowl, 1974's World Football League championship, takes place on Thursday night at 9 P.M. on Channel 61 with Jack Gotta's Birmingham Americans edging out Jack Pardee's Florida Blazers 22-21.  The Americans led 22-0 going into the fourth quarter but a furious rally by the Blazers comes up a point short.  Thrilling, no doubt, but I always hated the WFL for taking Csonka, Kiick and Warfield from my 'Fins and then folding.  So I probably would do it like Pruitt and watch MOVIN' ON instead.  You can catch it on Tubi and on ION network yourself in 2024. 

Christmas specials won't kick into high gear for another week, but we do have Santa Claus is Coming to Town at 8 P.M. Thursday and Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus at 8 P.M. Friday, both on ABC.

My tough decision of the week comes on Sunday night, with a couple of choice reruns and a personal favorite film colliding at 11:30 P.M. Eastern.  You get Buddy Hackett AND Steve Martin on a TONIGHT SHOW rerun.  Even if Buddy can't be as hilariously blue as he would be on his HBO Special a few years later, it's still gotta be pretty great.  Meanwhile WIDE WORLD repeats an EVENT from earlier (like I said, concerts on TV were incredible a half century ago) recorded during the legendary California Jam on April 6, 1974: Earth, Wind and Fire, the Eagles, and Seals and Crofts!  Jackson Browne joined the Eagles, filling in for Don Felder (whose wife was giving birth).  Just a fabulous lineup, arguably the best overall 90 minutes of live music in a week full of riches.

Marie Gomez (L) making the movie better, as always

And yet, I'm considering a third option: RIO CONCHOS on Channel 11 because my girl Marie Gomez is in it.

And wrapping up this look at TV GUIDE a half century ago this week, I'll take it back to another childhood crush of yours truly, cover girl Teresa Graves, who remains "eternally optimistic" and quotes the Apostle Paul for her closing quote on her way out of Hollywood stardom: "For all things I have the strength by virtue of Him who imparts power to me."   We certainly missed her on the tube in the years to come, but she certainly found something in life more fulfilling to her than superstardom.  

Agent Brillstein might have been about to lose a client, but hardly seems bitter: "She's found something for herself, a very calm, controlled way of life.  Few people can live that way.  She's very lucky."

And we were very lucky she shared her talents for a few years before moving on to her life's calling.  R.I.P. 

Television Review: LOVE THAT BOB: "Bob and Automation" (1958)

LOVE THAT BOB a.k.a. THE BOB CUMMINGS SHOW: "Bob and Automation" (1958 NBC-TV/Laurel-McCadden Productions) Original Air Date: February 25, 1958.  Starring Bob Cummings as Bob Collins, Rosemary deCamp as Margaret MacDonald, Dwayne Hickman as Chuck MacDonald, Ann B. Davis as Schultzy, Angie Dickinson as Millie Davis, Kathleen Hughes as Mary, Laurie Anders as Janice Tuttle, Ruth Brady as The Mother.  Written by Paul Henning, Shirl Gordon and Dick Wesson.  Directed by Bob Cummings.

Series overview for LOVE THAT BOB a.k.a. THE BOB CUMMINGS SHOW is at this link.

The MacDonalds have been cost cutting to allow Uncle Bob to automate his business via the IBM 101 Electronic Statistical Machine.  Chuck's allowance has been cut and Margaret has been fixing wieners and sauerkraut almost nightly to help pay for the data machine.  Or is that date machine?  Turns out  Bob has done away with his not-so-little black book and is using the sorter instead.

BOB: "That's me, just a small businessman."

MARGARET: "One of the smallest!"

Needless to say, the family members aren't exactly thrilled with the result of their recent austerity.  "Stockholder" Margaret decides to turn the tables by crashing Bob's next appointment: 5'5", 118 lb. Millie Davis, whose likes include the music of Tchaikovsky and the poetry of Browning.  But how does the lobster loving brunette feel about Margaret's latest kitchen specialty?

The most unjustly overlooked series of the 1950's to these eyes, LOVE THAT BOB has a little extra spice compared to its key competitor in edginess, BILKO.  And I'm not just talking about the constant topic of sex, but also the success ratio of its lead while pursuing his less than altruistic goals.  We all knew Bilko would never get rich, but Bob does get laid.  Often.  Look no further than the following week's Bob Gives S.R.O. Performance for a textbook example of Bob's eventual carnal satisfaction resulting in a hilarious episode.  But BOB had this in common with Bilko and Ralph Kramden: it was also side-splittingly funny when he crashed and burned, and Bob and Automation joins Bob Batches It in giving us a classic example.

Not that Bob doesn't deserve his just deserts.  In his favor, Collins provides for his widowed sister and nephew--helping put Chuck through medical school at that.  But our Playboy practiced to deceive when implying his use of the unit was all business.   And the family stabilizing Bob's home life gets belt-tightening while the objects of Bob's desire get the likes of vichyssoise, cherries jubilee, the aforementioned Maine lobster and expensive wine.  (At least, treats intended for Millie.)  The IBM's true purpose is only revealed by a surprise visit to the office, so our Lothario is trying to get away with it in text as well as subtext this time.  And oh, boy, does he pay...

MARGARET: "The F.B.I. has to keep very detailed files!"

SCHULTZY: "The F.B.I. could take lessons."

Bob is in full-fledged stinker mode again, but it's hard not to admire his diligence in pinpointing every single "weakness" for the ladies in his life.  Milly and Janice are both new models to us, and he hasn't called the former in months, but she certainly left an impression to leave her likes so vividly imprinted in his mind.  Bob probably wasn't B.S.'ing when he told her that, anyway.  

Alas, that well oiled chain our shutterbug put together is only as strong as its weakest link, and Schultzy lets the cat out of the bag before a single minute has passed.  Highly motivated to rein in her mendacious brother, Margaret upsets the bowl of cherries (jubilee) with more gusto than usual and Bob can't even rely on Chuck's hero worship after hurting his nephew's pocketbook in the process of obtaining that dream machine.

Speaking of, the Electrical Statistical Machine is never blatantly identified (in 1958, you had to be a paying sponsor to get that during the show), but despite the lack of name checks in the script, IBM still gets some free publicity: its logo is clearly readable on the sorter in multiple shots.  With three scenes, the device is on camera often.

MILLY: "Why haven't you called me, Bob?"

BOB: "But my heart has, a thousand times!"

Returning to the series after Bob Traps a Wolf, Angie Dickinson deservedly gets this episode's slow burning centerpiece--a date with Bob inside his studio ("I want you all to myself") taking eleven screen minutes to reach a payoff that proves to be worth the wait.  Her Milly Davis is a literal smoker (surprised Winston didn't get an extra plug in the dialogue) who inspires the painstaking specificity to get back in her good graces.  Angie was interestingly brunette in both her BOBs.

While the future POLICE WOMAN is far more recognizable to 2021 eyes, the other object of Bob's desire was likely more notable in 1958.  KEN MURRAY SHOW icon Laurie Anders ("I like the wiiide open spayces!") came out of retirement at 35 to play Janice Tuttle, her first role since the Murray-produced vehicle THE MARSHAL'S DAUGHTER (her only film).  The curvy blonde is just as sexy and more expressive than in her deadpan MURRAY appearances.  Her many talents included dancing, martial arts, and jujitsu, but acting wasn't high on that list.  She's very funny here though, and returned in the season finale, Bob's Forgotten Fiancee.  Score another one for director Cummings, who simmers this imaginatively structured script to a satisfying boil.

WHO WAS BLOCKING?

Given her own desires, I'm not fully convinced that Schultzy's slip of the lip was intentional.  She certainly joined Margaret in putting a cold shower on Bob's aspirations with Milly.  The following night was a family affair, with Chuck joining his mother in creating a literal office full of obstacles to jar Janice away from him.  Summing it up: the only women Bob got tipsy turned out to be his sister and his secretary.

DID BOB SCORE?

Two very large, excruciating strikeouts for The King this time.  Can't win 'em all, and since neither Milly nor Janice ever returned to the studio, Collins was denied another at bat by both.  (Incidentally, Janice Tuttle would also be the name of The Ravishing Realtor played by Elena Verdugo the following season, so the moniker had to be some kind of in-joke with Henning.)

MOST SUGGESTIVE LINE:

There's a few, but Margaret gets the best one early, the aforementioned exchange concerning Bob's status as a small businessman.  He could take that one more than one way, ya know.

Speaking of suggestive, check out these downright orgasmic looks from our leading ladies while they're in the presence.  Was director Cummings as sneaky as his onscreen alter ego or what?

Riotously funny from beginning to end, proving that LOVE THAT BOB could follow the conventional path of its fellow sitcoms while still providing decidedly adult content for its era with the laughs.  We pretty much know the punchline, and the journey to it is tremendous fun.  Dickinson and the sadly forgotten Anders are on hand to provide us guys with a real eyeful, another bonus.  Quintessential installment of a classic at its peak.  (**** out of four)

If you'd like to check out Bob and Automation for yourself, here you go, syndication circa 1989 (but with no minutes cut and KXTX commercials intact):

Television Review: LOVE THAT BOB: "Bob Traps a Wolf" (1957)

LOVE THAT BOB (a.k.a. THE BOB CUMMINGS SHOW): "Bob Traps a Wolf" (Original Air Date: 1/3/57) Starring Bob Cummings as Bob Collins, Rosemary DeCamp as Margaret MacDonald, Ann B. Davis as Charmaine "Schultzy" Schultz, Dwayne Hickman as Chuck MacDonald, Lyle Talbot as Paul Fonda, Angie Dickinson as Cynthia.  Written by Paul Henning, Shirl Gordon and Phil Shuken.  Directed by Norman Tokar. 

Series overview of LOVE THAT BOB a.k.a. THE BOB CUMMINGS SHOW at this link. 

Margaret has cooked beef stroganoff for dinner, but Playboy Bob already has something cookin' with model Cynthia, who has invited the perennial free bird to fly by her nest after the day's work is done.  Since Margaret is tired of putting dinners in the fridge (there's fourteen in there by her current count) Bob decides to play matchmaker for his sister and Paul Fonda, who matchmaker Bob suddenly deems a perfect brother-in-law despite his constant references to him as a "wolf.  It's to no avail: Bob only succeeds in offending Margaret, who feels like she's "on the auction block".  

Sister Margaret gets her revenge by implying to Cynthia that she is actually Bob's wife--and tending to multiple "little Bobs", including young Elvis.  With Cynthia slipping away, Bob doubles down on his attempts to marry his sister off, enlisting nephew Chuck with some financial enticement.  Margaret counterplots once her brother's back is turned, outbidding "Uncle Bob" for Chuck's services and enlisting Schultzy and Paul the Wolf as assistant blockers set to foil the bachelor photographer's latest conquest attempt.

One question arises when watching Bob Traps a Wolf: why doesn't Bob just invite Cynthia over for dinner at his sister's house?  After all, Cynthia admits she's not much of a cook, and Bob could impress her with a nice, home-cooked meal and then drive his model back to her apartment for a nightcap.  It'd be a lot cheaper than taking her out to eat, and Margaret would certainly be placated: she'd enjoy the company and having her cooking eaten for a change.  In the process, Bob could also destroy any notion Cynthia has that he's a married man.  What's the downside?

Well, if you're an inveterate BOB viewer, you already know the answer--that would mean the possibility of the model getting chummy with Bob's sister--and subsequently becoming privy to his dating habits on other nights!  Man, staying foot loose and fancy free is so much work....

There was always a subtext of marital infidelity to LOVE THAT BOB: circumstances constantly forced Collins to hide his romantic escapades from Margaret, with the bachelor rarely able to take his dates to the home he shared with his sister and nephew for various reasons.   Reinforcing this vibe, Bob often had to literally sneak out the back door unnoticed by Margaret, who in these instances frequently acted more like a spouse than a sibling.  During prime time in the Eisenhower Era, this setup was as close as Henning and Cummings could get to a "philandering manual". Still, it was sometimes amazing to see just how far they could go within the boundaries of the era and medium.

In Bob Traps a Wolf, however, this subtext creeps closer to being text than ever before. Margaret all but masquerades as Bob's wife to Cynthia in person, and more blatantly does so over the phone.  As a result, she has Bob's latest target resisting his charms: Cynthia doesn't want to be a home wrecker.  With her trio of supporting players, Ms. MacDonald's act is very convincing--enough so that Bob's romantic intentions are (off-screen) violently foiled.  We only see the aftermath:

So Bob Collins carouses for 14 straight evenings (that we know of, anyway), tries to add another new conquest in front of us, glad-handingly tries to manipulate his friends and family, and ends up getting his much-deserved comeuppance in the form of romantic failure and having his throne usurped at home.  Right?  Wrong--not on ever-subversive LOVE THAT BOB!  The tables turn multiple times in Bob Traps a Wolf, but in the end, it's the real wolf--Bob--who has the trump card, courtesy of his private plane.  When the bluff is called, Margaret, Fonda and Schultzy walk away foiled while playboy Bob Collins wins again. 

Angie Dickinson as Cynthia

Twenty-five year old Angie Dickinson provides the vavavoom factor this time, making the first of two series appearances (1958's Bob and Automation is hilarious, btw).  Interestingly, she only appears in the opening scene at Collins' studio--we visit her apartment twice later, but we're kept outside the front door both times.   The same can't be said for Bob, and damned if we can't keep rooting for the stinker.  The edgiest character of the Fifties?  For sure, his batting average was higher than Bilko's--after all, this show wasn't titled YOU'LL NEVER GET LAID, now, was it?

WHO WAS BLOCKING?

In this segment, Hell, who wasn't?  Even the usually hero-worshipping Chuck was an obstacle by episode's end, albeit a paid one.

DID BOB SCORE?

As mentioned above, Bob re-enters Cynthia's apartment on the second try, singing "A Romantic Guy" (the rarely heard lyrics to the show's theme song) while closing the door on us.  I'd say his chances were well over 50% with the future Pepper Anderson at that point.

Bob lays it on a little too thick at times, and his antagonists fail to convince (Margaret and Paul don't even kiss when engaged, for example).  The minor flaws are far from fatal.  Bob Traps a Wolf is another fine installment from director Norman Tokar's brief run, giving us a structural surprise (complete with false ending) along with the then-novel twist of letting devilish Bob have the last laugh.  Some belly laughs pop out amidst the twists and turns, and Lyle Talbot's Fonda is always a proper foil.  With Angie Dickinson's presence as Bob's date of the week and a typically solid script from Henning, Gordon and Shuken, and this one is almost as big a winner as its protagonist.  (*** out of four)

Missing No Longer: PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW (1971)

Man, the folks at Warner Archive have really outdone themselves lately.  Hot on the heels of their long-awaited release of CLEOPATRA JONES AND THE CASINO OF GOLD last month comes a Warner Brothers release that, if anything, folks have been clamoring even louder for over the years.

The truly bizarre, hilariously dark Gene Roddenberry/Roger Vadim collaboration (!) PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW has finally made it to DVD via the Warner Archive!  Reviewed here originally as Number 7 in our series, this 1971 film was way ahead of its time.  Actually, it may still be.

But here it is, with Angie Dickinson as a MILF 28 years before AMERICAN PIE gave us the term, Rock Hudson as the most progressive guidance counselor you'll ever see, the late John David Carson (who passed away just last year) as Coach Hudson's pet project, and a dazzling array of gorgeous Pretty Maids: Aimee Eccles, Margaret Markov (BLACK MAMA, WHITE MAMA), Brenda Sykes (MANDINGO), June Fairchild (the immortal Ajax Lady from UP IN SMOKE) and Joy Bang (NIGHT OF THE COBRA WOMAN).  

Roddy McDowall (LORD LOVE A DUCK) is on hand to remind us that the school has a lot of great little cheerleaders, while Telly Savalas works around the clock to locate the killer.

Highly recommended here at The Horn Section, there's also a limited number of collectible copies out there autographed by Angie Dickinson that are sure to be fetching high prices on ebay in the coming years.

No, I haven't forgotten, I've just had a full plate lately.  Number 47 is next post!

Film Review: PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW (1971)

"Why the hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 7





PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW (1971 MGM) Starring Rock Hudson, Telly Savalas, Angie Dickinson, John David Carson, Roddy McDowall, Keenan Wynn, James Doohan and Brenda Sykes. Screenplay by Gene Roddenberry from Francis Pollini's novel. Directed by Roger Vadim.

Numerous high school students having sex with their teachers and guidance counselors. A new release, ripped from today's headlines? No, it’s this uneven but wickedly funny black comedy from 1971 served up by the director of BARBARELLA and the writer/creator of.....STAR TREK?

A “terrific little cheerleader” is found scantily clad and murdered in the boys’ restroom with a note attached to her panties that reads: “so long, Honey”. Future KOJAK Telly Savalas (using cigarettes and shades as his props instead of lollipops) investigates the murder, and while he initially finds a shortage of suspects, he finds no shortage of giggling, miniskirted high school girls who find it unusual if they aren’t propositioned constantly.

Very progressive guidance counselor/football coach Rock Hudson sees nothing wrong with a counselor or teacher “sexually guiding” a gifted student. Hudson obviously thinks that there are several exceptionally gifted female students….and more of them turn up dead on campus, also with notes attached. Uh oh….we have a serial killer on our hands! This could affect the team’s morale for Friday’s big game!

Meanwhile, Hudson counsels traumatized team trainer John David Carson, who discovered the body in the restroom, but seems more troubled by the boy's reports of constant erections and his inability to lose his virginity. Hudson decides that literature teacher Angie Dickinson (looking incredible at 40) is just the one to help the boy.

"If it feels good, do it" is taken to its wildest extreme here....or is this the inevitable outcome when idealism collides with pragmatism? The perpetually horny Hudson has a loving family at home, including extremely loyal wife Barbara Leigh, yet still sleeps with female students daily. But, he IS married, so what’s a husband and father to do when a young, impressionable teenage girl starts wanting more than just sex? Hudson's an intellectual aspiring author who rejects accepted societal norms, but his message to the students isn’t always unconventional and pacifist. After all, he's also the wildly successful football coach, and he realizes that is the primary reason he is beloved.

Director Vadim spends a lot of time zooming in on breasts and buttocks, and this film would make a great double bill with 1966’s also-dark and similarly leering LORD LOVE A DUCK (directed by George Axelrod) in which McDowall, then 37, played a high school student; here, just 5 years later, he’s the clueless principal.

 

PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW falters during the final third, when the situation gets more and more implausible, but Vadim and Rodenberry commendably keep the tone jet-black all the way to the closing credits, when we hear the cheery theme song by the Osmonds(!).

Of historical interest, the film was ahead of its time in its use of thriller and teen comedy conventions that would become ubiquitous in the 1980's: promiscuous teenage girls end up murdered (i.e. Jason/Freddy) and an awkward high school guy tries desperately to lose his virginity with the help of a beautiful older woman (i.e. MY TUTOR, PRIVATE LESSONS).

So…why isn’t this film on DVD?

Bombed during its initial release. Hudson’s box-office pull was pretty much gone by 1971, and, as they say, satire closes on Saturday night.

Uncomfortable to some when considering that a new student-teacher affair pops up almost every other week these days on CNN.

As noted above, loses steam before the end as things get harder to swallow. And there is one nagging question that will occur to you: where the hell are all the parents?

Why it should be on DVD:

A must-see if you have a warped sense of humor. If not, it will still be interesting at least, given the performers, the writer, the director and today’s aforementioned news stories. One of a kind!

A chance to see Dickinson, Hudson and Savalas shortly before all 3 would start their wildly successful network TV series (POLICE WOMAN, McMILLAN AND WIFE, KOJAK respectively) and a chance to see James “Scotty” Doohan outside the Enterprise.

The legendary Joy Bang (NIGHT OF THE COBRA WOMAN) is among the Pretty Maids!

Aren't there plenty of STAR TREK fans out there who would be curious about Roddenberry’s lone feature film screenplay? And one that is 180 degrees away from TREK, at that?

Angie Dickinson has an extended semi-nude scene. Who didn't want her as a teacher?

If you’d like to see this one for yourself: in a rare TV showing, TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES will have it on at 3 A.M. (Central) on Sunday, August 13th.