Film Review: THE CHICKEN CHRONICLES (1977)

"Why the Hell isn't THIS on DVD yet?" -- Number 23







THE CHICKEN CHRONICLES (1977 Avco Embassy) Starring Steve Guttenberg, Branscombe Richmond, Ed Lauter, Phil Silvers, Lisa Reeves, Meridith Baer, Gino Baffa, Kutee, Will Seltzer. Directed by Frank Simon.


Steve Guttenberg and Branscombe Richmond work at Phil Silvers' fast food joint and smoke a lot of joints in the weeks before their 1969 high school graduation. Guttenberg has a big problem to solve. No, not getting into college and avoiding Vietnm.  Bigger than that.  Although Guttenberg is a popular track star with a cheerleader girlfriend, a seemingly unlimited supply of pot, and the advantage of being in southern California at the start of the freelove era, he's still a virgin.

Hmm. I suppose a slight leap of faith is required here.

Paul Diamond, son of the legendary Billy Wilder collaborator I. A. L., adapted his own novel for his first screenplay, a good example showing the transition teen films were taking circa 1977, from nostalgic AMERICAN GRAFFITI territory into more sex-oriented material (ANIMAL HOUSE was a year away). Because Guttenberg and Branscombe would go on to bigger and better things, their characters are realistically immature and even hot-headed, and there are script elements anticipating the direction coming of age films would take in the years ahead, THE CHICKEN CHRONICLES has a small but devoted following.

Unfortunately Simon’s film isn’t as compelling as GRAFFITI and isn’t nearly as titillating as THE SENIORS or H.O.T.S., stagnating somewhere in between. Later films such as PORKY’S and LOSIN’ IT would provide more laughs and plenty of nudity with the subject matter of losin’ it.

If I had to describe it within the context of another film, it might be most accurate to call it a PG HOLLYWOOD KNIGHTS—Guttenberg’s smartass expression rivals Robert Wuhl’s and there are several pranks on the bluenoses in charge. But even that funfest spent considerable time on more serious subplots (i.e. one character is actually on his way to the war). There’s one serious scene with Kutee being notified of her brother's death in Vietnam, and occasional references to Guttenberg’s alienation from his parents (they communicate almost exclusively via intercom), but very little true angst.

Publicity still with Silvers, Guttenberg and Kutee

There's lousy motivation for some of the pranks here as well. For example, why would you steal the time clock (and risk expulsion and loss of college) for “unlimited hall passes” less than one month before you graduate? Unlimited passes for a year, maybe. But for 4 weeks at most?  Why?

As was often the case with the late 1970’s raunchfests, superb veteran character actors help things out a great deal. Lauter plays his umpteenth authority figure, the Vice Principal, and there’s a rare latter-day appearance by the great Phil Silvers as the shady, lascivious old owner of Chicken on the Run. Essentially, he’s Bilko yet again (even using the old “Good Boy!” line a time or two) only this time, he’s Dirty Old Bilko (i.e. telling Kutee she needs some nookie!).

Sadly, Silvers suffered a stroke in 1972, and the effect on his speech and timing is sometimes noticeable. But whether he’s trying to fraudulently “return” burned chicken to competitor KFC, disguising himself as an Arizona cowboy or longing for the return of actress Dolores Hart, he still provides the best laughs here and reminds us that he was one of a kind.

THE CHICKEN CHRONICLES does have a few grossout gags concerning the handling and preparation of food at “Chicken on the Run” (based loosely on the chain Chicken Delight, where Diamond worked as a teen) and one can see an influence on many of the teen films that would follow. The young actors are appealing. Likely, inexperience was the main culprit for the film’s shortcomings: in addition to being Diamond's first feature, this was Simon's first and last.  Ultimately, THE CHICKEN CHRONICLES is neither titillating enough nor funny enough: merely a late 1970’s curio.


So….why isn’t this on DVD?
 

Made little impression at the box office when released in 1977. In addition to the problems listed above, the film was before its time, about a decade too early for the late 1960’s nostalgia boom.

While Guttenberg would become a big star in the 1980’s with POLICE ACADEMY, COCOON and THREE MEN AND A BABY, he hasn’t been a box office draw since that decade so interest in his early roles isn’t what it was when this received its VHS release (1987, fresh on the heels of the latter).

Why it should be on DVD:


Well, it is Guttenberg’s first lead, and he’s an engaging presence in the role. Branscombe Richmond (RENEGADE) was also at the beginning of his career, and he’s a riot as Guttenberg’s pothead, skirt-chasing pal. Matthew McConaughey's Wooderson had nothing on this guy.

Kutee, again

Kutie is, well, a cutie. Really. A more compelling question would be, why the hell didn’t she make more films? Also, why the hell didn’t Guttenberg chase after her instead of the cheerleader?

Seeing the great Phil Silvers in action, even at less than 100%, is worth it.

To name one example of this film's possible influence: AMERICAN PIE borrowed the main premise, and the pre-graduation timeline...then added the needed laughs and sex to create a film that would stand up to repeated viewings. It's fun to compare CHICKEN CHRONICLES to the films that would follow, if only to wonder what might have been.

Number 6 Revisited -- Forrest Tucker vs. Rocket Launching Beetles!

(To read the original review of THUNDER RUN, please click here)

They might say it about a number of Presidential candidates, but no one could ever accuse the late, great Forrest Tucker of being soft on terrorism. There's no limit to what Tuck will throw at evil, bloodthirsty terrorists: Molotov cocktails, extended stacks, good old 'Number 4' and Space Age Plastic, Son!

THUNDER RUN remains criminally unavailable on DVD in the U.S. but at least we can watch one of its chase sequences through the magic of YouTube while we wait for MGM to come to their senses.

CANNON is coming on July 8th

"It's about DAMN time this made it to DVD!" -- Number 2






And just a couple of months after yours truly asked for it! CANNON finally makes the jump to DVD on July 8th!

Yes, on the same day that Conrad's later (and vastly inferior, trust me) series, JAKE AND THE FATMAN, hits stores, the first Volume of the first season of CANNON is finally coming our way. Score one for the good guys. Apparently the two-hour CANNON pilot movie from 1970 will also be included. Then it is right into a puzzling crime at a rodeo in "The Salinas Jackpot", plus 11 more one-hour episodes.

Now if we can just get the powers that be to give us QUINCY: THE HILARIOUS YEARS (Seasons 5 through 8, when Jack Klugman essentially took over the show and decided to give Ed Asner and Alan Alda a run for their preachy money; these classics really deserve a month of posts of their own) and, oh, about 22 movies and counting........

A Sampling of the "Marbles"

From this week's highlighted film, one of the wrestling clips from ...ALL THE MARBLES. A fan of the movie has actually posted all of the wrestling clips from the film, 12 clips in all, over at YouTube.

I could have picked any one of them out, and almost picked Part 5 of the final match, but this one had a few more booty shots. I mean, more intense wrestling action. Yeah, that's it....

Head over to YouTube if you want to see more of Reed, Bryant, Landon and Frederick fighting it out. Until we get that deserved DVD release, there's always YouTube.

Film Review: ...ALL THE MARBLES (1981)

"Why the Hell isn't THIS on DVD yet?" -- Number 22







…ALL THE MARBLES (1981 MGM) Starring Peter Falk, Vicki Frederick, Laurene Landon, Burt Young, Richard Jaeckel, Angela Aames, John Hancock, Tracy Reed and Ursaline Bryant. Directed by Robert Aldrich.

The profession of lady wrestler prior to the syndication boom of the 1980’s wasn't easy. Life on the road was lonely and made relationships difficult. Female wrestlers were usually considered a side show (or worse, a freak show) when compared to their male counterparts who were much bigger at the box office. The women still suffered the same bumps and bruises as the men and had to take the same painkillers while toiling for less pay.  As mere “tits and ass”, the ladies were considered interchangeable. And of course, sleazy promoters would dangle the promise of bigger and better bookings (which may or may not materialize) in front of them in exchange for sexual favors.

The female pioneers of wrestling were profiled in the 2005 documentary LIPSTICK AND DYNAMITE, PISS AND VINEGAR, which recently made the rounds on Showtime. What viewers of that (excellent) documentary may not realize is that one of Hollywood's most acclaimed directors tackled those same topics in a dramatic film nearly a quarter century earlier, the curiously forgotten …ALL THE MARBLES.

Frederick and Landon are the California Dolls, a female tag team endlessly making the rounds of the Rust Belt with disheveled but resourceful manager Peter Falk.  A cheapskate, unlikely ladies' man, and tireless negotiator, Falk drives his Dolls to one underpaying gig after another, trying to build a rivalry with the champion Toledo Tigers, authoritatively represented by John Hancock.

Mel Frohman’s script was his first feature credit, and perhaps not surprisingly, it is the biggest weakness. The revelation of a key romantic coupling seems to jump out of left field in the film’s second half, and the reaction of Landon to this arrangement is way too subdued to be true. It is also highly unlikely that a manager who otherwise leaves no stone unturned would be unaware of a magazine article with pictures before the fact and the girls turning out to be nationally ranked.

Falk is very credible, taking a role originally written for Paul Newman (complete with a reference to Redford early on) and making it his own. His performance here is much closer to his earlier work with John Cassavetes than his other, more comedic post-COLUMBO roles; he’s improvising much of his dialogue, and while still affable, his go-for-broke manager becomes disturbing when he's angry. Let’s just say there are a few moments here that are as uncomfortable as the Burt Reynolds-Anitra Ford opener in Aldrich’s THE LONGEST YARD. This is not to say that …ALL THE MARBLES is misogynist; great pains are taken to show the pain and loneliness of chasing their dream, all of the ladies stand up for themselves, and it is Frederick instead of Falk who ends up sealing the deal for the dysfunctional trio's key break.

Aldrich keeps things interesting visually with lots of long shots of Falk’s clunker moving through the mostly Ohio locations (and in bad need of a muffler). The wrestling scenes are exciting and credible. Frederick, Landon, Bryant and Reed were all required to undergo six weeks’ intense training with professional wrestler Mildred Burke, and this especially pays off during the climactic match in Reno that lasts the final quarter of the film. Mean Joe Greene and Chick Hearn appear as themselves, and a well choreographed entrance for the Dolls is one of the film's highlights.

The film is dated in that the outcome of the matches is not predetermined. Like other Hollywood excursions into the wrestling world before kayfabe became an open secret to the public, …ALL THE MARBLES presents its matches as legitimate. There is a brief reference to Hancock wanting to “work a deal” to have the Tigers on top in front of their home crowd, but that is it for “fixing”, save for Richard Jaeckel as a crooked referee.  Another match is refereed by longtime actor and wrestler Mike Mazurki (surprisingly uncredited).

In his final film, Aldrich gives us a bit more schmaltz than usual towards the end, but the director of THE DIRTY DOZEN and THE LONGEST YARD does nothing to harm his reputation as one of the elite “guy movie” directors.

ALL THE MARBLES is far from perfect, but it’s damned entertaining.

So...why isn't this on DVD?

Came out a few years too early to ride the wrestling boom to box office success, and therefore slipped off the radar after making the cable rounds in the early 1980’s.

Peter Falk’s starring vehicles on the big screen from his post-Cassavetes and COLUMBO heyday have been all but forgotten, odd because one undisputed classic (THE IN-LAWS) and two Neil Simon efforts (THE CHEAP DETECTIVE, MURDER BY DEATH) are included among these films.

Why it should be on DVD:

Hey, it’s one more in a long line of guy-movie gifts from the late Robert Aldrich (he died in 1983). In his final film, he doesn’t let us down. Let me count the ways:

Lieutenant Columbo and Rocky’s brother in law Paulie getting it on with multiple hot chicks? Hey, that gives Joe Average at least as much hope as your typical Ron Jeremy scene.

Two words: Cat fights! One cat fight is a topless mud wrestling match. The climactic match features four gorgeous ladies going at it for the final 30 minutes.

Angela Aames (H.O.T.S.) has an extended topless scene. That alone is enough for a DVD release, right?

There are very few dramatic films that deal with female wrestling tag teams. Matter of fact, I can’t think of another one. That too makes this enough of a rarity for release.

Finally, there's an excellent interview with Laurene Landon at SLAM! from 2006 detailing some of the behind the scenes information mentioned above. Due to the paucity of lady wrestling movies this one could arrive chock full of interesting DVD extras.

The EQUALIZER is here!

"It's about damn time THIS made it to DVD" -- Volume 1   










Reason to rejoice--one of the most overlooked action dramas of the 1980's finally makes it to DVD this week, as THE EQUALIZER: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON was released on Tuesday the 12th.

Distinguished British stage and screen actor Edward Woodward played Robert McCall, a.k.a. "The Equalizer", in this CBS crime drama from 1985 to 1989. McCall was formerly a government operative who resigned in disgust for reasons (in the first season, anyway) unclear and began dedicating his considerable resources into helping those in need. "Got a Problem? Odds against you? Call The Equalizer" read his ad, which was as close to "Have Gun, Will Travel" as it got in the 1980's. McCall may have become as frustrated with red tape as Paul Kersey and Harry Callahan, but he was much more elegant in dealing with his villains (while still every bit as commanding).

The first season was by far the best, and yes, you can expect it reviewed here as soon as I get the necessary (22) hours away from job, other hobbies and just plain laziness to watch season one in its entireity.

Tony Shalhoub, later to become famous as Monk, got his TV start here in the first season's best episode (IMO), Breakpoint, in which McCall is among those taken hostage at a wedding reception. It is here that McCall's vast experience really comes into play, as he knows they will only have one chance to escape the situation, and he must wait for it---even if it means waiting through the torture of other hostages.

Other first season standouts include China Rain, guest starring a young Lauren Tom (BAD SANTA), in which McCall helps a housekeeper after her son is kidnapped by mistake; The Defector, in which McCall shows a more sensitive side in helping a young man deal with bullies (he's also helping a double agent at the same time, a typical Cold War era TV plot) and Bump and Run, in which McCall must deal with a vigilante killer who is pinning the Equalizer's ad on his victims.

Oh Hell, there's a lot of episodes to recommend. I guess I'll just shut up now and save the rest for the review.

Why the Hell isn't CANNON on DVD yet?

No, not THE action studio of the 1980's; plenty of their films are on DVD. I'm talking about the TELEVISION classic from the 1970's. It is downright criminal that this worthy CBS actioneer has yet to hit the shelves of Best Buy and Wal-Mart in complete season sets.

It was the decade of the character crime drama: Columbo was sloppy, Barnaby was old, Kojak was bald....and Frank Cannon was, well, portly.

Played by quintessential narrator (including F TROOP's pilot episode) William Conrad, CANNON is hefty, balding, and retired from the L.A.P.D. Now a private eye, he takes typically expensive cases, though in later episodes he occasionally developed a heart of gold and helped someone in trouble with little money. Cannon definitely needs the money; he lives in a very expensive high-rise apartment, drinks fine wines, and eats. Boy, does he eat, as the above TV Land promo shows.

At age 51 William Conrad finally got his big break in front of the camera (he'd been known as the voice of Marshal Dillon on radio for years, as a ubiquitous narrator and occasional director) and made the most of it, giving an Emmy-nominated performance and completely carrying this 5 year (1971-76) crime drama on his shoulders. And I do mean completely. Conrad was CANNON's only regular, which makes this a real blast from the past; just a few years later every P.I. or cop past age 45 seemed to require a young sidekick to pull in the female viewers. Or so the networks thought.

This Quinn Martin production boasted compelling stories (especially for the first 3 seasons), occasional crossovers with Buddy Ebsen's BARNABY JONES, and quite a bit of unintentional humor in the later episodes. No, not quite on the level of QUINCY, M.E. for that, but one marvels at Cannon's ability to run people down from behind and hit anyone and anything from up to 500 yards with his handgun. The wonderfully cheesy third season episode, "Photo Finish", which guest starred ubiquitous 1970's villain Jack Cassidy, is a fine example of the latter.

And then there's "The Wrong Medicine" from the final season, in which you'll marvel at how well Cannon holds up after being poisoned at gunpoint by a couple of crooks, who curiously don't stay long enough to make sure he's dead.

But I digress. The cheese is far outweighed by some good stories, classy Quinn Martin production, and a likable average guy star finally getting his due after nearly 30 years in the business. CANNON was a big hit in its day, ranking as high as 10th in the Nielsens in 1973-74, and deserves to not only be rerun to death somewhere (American Life, I'm looking at YOU!) but to be issued on DVD.

Enjoy the above promo and remember not only CANNON, but the days when TV LAND was actually a good channel that connected you with shows you HAVEN'T already seen on a dozen other channels today. Behold, the Frank Cannon diet!