Film Review: ROCK ISLAND TRAIL (1950)

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 37

ROCK ISLAND TRAIL (1950 Republic) Starring Forrest Tucker, Adele Mara, Bruce Cabot, Chill Wills, Adrian Booth, Grant Withers. Directed by Joseph Kane.

Railroad man Tucker draws the ire of steamboat owner Cabot, first by winning a lucrative mail contract from the stage line, then by winning wealthy Mara's heart away from Cabot. Sensing that the railroad will next be taking business from his boats, Cabot tries to halt progress by bribing Tuck's subordinate Wills and smuggling whiskey to the railroad workers. Meanwhile, Tuck convinces Mara's father (Withers) to invest in the railroad, and exotic French-educated Keokuk princess Booth tries to woo Tucker away from Mara. Cabot's attempts to thwart the growth of the railroad turn into a personal vendetta against Tucker, as he challenges Tuck to a formal duel, then turns to direct sabotage.

Following his breakthrough role in SANDS OF IWO JIMA, Tucker got his first opportunity to headline a Republic western.  Filmed primarily in Oklahoma (McAlester) in Trucolor, with a script by James Edward Grant and a strong supporting cast, ROCK ISLAND TRAIL received heavy promotion in the spring of 1950.

6'5" Tucker was forever playing stone-faced villains during the 1940's and 1950's. Even when starring in films like CALIFORNIA PASSAGE and THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN he was typically a truculent protagonist ("I don't like people", he declared in the former). ROCK ISLAND TRAIL gave Tucker the opportunity to play an unreserved good guy. Tucker's Reed Loomis is persuasive enough to sway investors, inspiring enough to have Wills' undivided loyalty, and charming enough to not only attract both Mara and Booth, but to keep Booth's loyal friendship even after he sidesteps her pass. He's also adept with guns, his fists, and in the most inspired setup, a mop--Tuck's choice of weapon after Cabot challenges him to a "ridiculous" duel.

Tucker seems to relish playing an extroverted hero for a change. Unfortunately the script is one of  the lesser efforts from Grant, who also wrote SANDS OF IWO JIMA and countless other John Wayne vehicles. There's too much stilted dialogue, and it's impossible to believe that Cabot got to the engagement stage with Mara given that neither she nor Withers can even stand him in the beginning. Booth is unconvincing as a French-Native American princess, and the use of rear screen projection is distracting in a few key scenes.

This being a Republic film directed by Joseph Kane, there's plenty of action, even if the most memorable scene is that mop duel. The train/stage race, an exploding bridge, several fist fights, the inevitable attack from a hostile tribe (instigated by Cabot, of course)....there's even a courtroom trial with the railroad represented by young lawyer Abraham Lincoln, played by Jeff Corey!  ROCK ISLAND TRAIL isn't quite the sweeping epic Republic intended, but it is an agreeable if largely unexceptional example of old school kitchen-sink action.

So....why isn't this on DVD?

Outside of Tuck's atypical (at least, pre-AUNTIE MAME and THE MUSIC MAN) role and his duel with Cabot, there's very little here you haven't seen before. And despite the heavy promotion, ROCK ISLAND TRAIL had mediocre box office returns in its day.

Why it should be on DVD:

I'd love to see some Republic box sets.  Tucker made enough solid action films for a good one, and other fun boxed sets could be compiled for stars Wild Bill Elliott, Rod Cameron and Wendell Corey.

Maybe the ladies could be included too: Joan Leslie, Adele Mara, Vera Hruba Ralston.  Well, okay, maybe not Vera....Sorry, Ms. Ralston, and R.I.P.  Let's just say her much older husband was Republic's founder and President, in case you're wondering how she kept getting plum roles despite lacking acting talent.

Not a spanking--her bustle's on fire!

Regardless, ROCK ISLAND TRAIL and countless other Republics keep turning up regularly on Encore's Western Channel, so there's an audience out here that would love to remember, or (if too young to remember like I am) just see what action films were like circa 1950.

Film Review: VAMPIRA (1974)

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 36

VAMPIRA (a.k.a. OLD DRACULA) (1974 A.I.P./Columbia) Starring David Niven, Teresa Graves, Peter Bayliss, Jennie Linden, Nicky Henson, Minah Bird, Cathie Shiriff, Veronica Carlson, Bernard Bresslaw. Directed by Clive Donner.

At 64, David Niven plays Count Dracula for the first and only time. With the assistance of manservant Bayliss, Niven hosts tours of his castle to search for his unwilling donors among the visitors. With Playboy playmates Shiriff, Bird, Carlson and Linden on the next tour, the count really perks up. He's seeking the blood of a nubile lovely to revive his bride Vampira, who's been in a coma for a half century.. After gathering the samples carefully (not ONE victim becomes undead in the complicated process) Niven and Bayliss successfully perform a transfusion in which Graves awakens as Vampira, now black.

Rather than being thrilled about having his beloved back, Niven is puzzingly nervous about miscegenation, stating that "people will talk".  In Transylvania???  There's also a newfound generation gap between them, as the rejuvenated Graves is now way too energetic, youthful and horny (even bisexual) for jive turkey Niven. He spends the rest of the film trying to keep her out of sight(!), seeking another blood donor to "change her back" (!!) and generally being the least cool Dracula ever.  Meanwhile Graves takes in BLACK GUNN sans Niven, loses her British accent for 1970's American slang, dances lasciviously at the disco and seeks men and women to quench her thirst.

Nowhere near as exciting as it sounds, VAMPIRA is sunk in countless ways.  For starters, Niven seems like a debonair Count, and given the premise he is appropriately playing Drac as old and tired. But naturally a certain amount of menace is required for the comedy to work, and who's going to fear a tired, old Dracula?  And despite the ubiquitous product placement for Playboy and the sight of libidinous Graves on the prowl, the titillation is all one big tease (one scene of brief nudity) and the overall execution is inept on almost every level.

Donner's limitations as a director were apparent by this time---WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT? was a decade behind him--- and given a weak script by Jeremy Lloyd he fails to bring any spark to the proceedings.  Dull rather than droll, Lloyd's script is not only devoid of laughs, but largely of sense as well. Why does Dracula need a middleman and removable fangs to collect his blood? Why does he take Bird's blood if her skin color bothers him so much? Why doesn't he just go in through the front door when a cleaning lady closes the window on him during his midnight stroll? The denouement can be seen coming at least a half hour away---(SPOILER ALERT)--- Niven becomes black after Graves bites him. He still has blue eyes though, so the capper is just as sloppily executed as the 80-odd minutes that preceded it.

Graves' presence is a selling point: the very beautiful and promising actress/singer made few film appearances before she abandoned her career at age 27 to devote herself to her religion (she was a devout Jehovah's Witness) and to her ailing mother.  Graves was clearly headed for stardom: she'd already recorded a self-titled debut LP, been a regular on LAUGH-IN and had just landed the starring role in ABC's GET CHRISTIE LOVE! as the prime-time answer to Pam Grier. VAMPIRA was only her second feature film, yet it was also her penultimate one. Sadly, it's not only a lousy showcase for the usually charming Graves, but her performance is off. Given few lines that are even semi-amusing, she overacts, killing much needed potential laughs.

VAMPIRA, or OLD DRACULA (as it was retitled in the U.S. in a forced attempt to cash in on YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN's success) is lifeless no matter how many Playmates or "mod" Halloween parties Donner throws at us. Offensive?  Yes, it is. Niven's change (he really looks embarrassed to be in blackface--rightfully so) magically solves every problem, overlooking how he's treated his wife for the entire film.  More offensive than the subject matter: the complete waste of talent both in front of and behind the camera.


So...why isn't this on DVD yet?

Is it too corny and obvious to say that Old Dracula sucks? Hey, even that tired line is funnier than most of the jokes in this film. Hard to believe that the same man who wrote and created ARE YOU BEING SERVED? and 'ALLO, 'ALLO! was responsible for this.

While the intent was to satirize obsession with racial purity, VAMPIRA is too poorly executed to succeed on any level.  Instead of tweaking the Old Count's bigotry and sexism, the film itself comes across as a bit bigoted and sexist.

Why it should be on DVD:

It is hard for me to work up a case for VAMPIRA. Believe me, the questions I asked above regarding script logic are some of the easier ones. (His entire 'evening stroll' is a headscratcher for nearly 10 full minutes of screen time!) The only real selling point is the opportunity to see some rarely seen stunners of the 1970's. In addition to Graves, Linden and Hayden, Playmates who visit Old Drac's castle include lovely Nigerian model Minah Ogbenyealu Bird (PERCY'S PROGRESS) who, like Graves, died way too young; Scottish blonde Andrea Allan; Hammer honey Veronica Carlson; and, in her debut, STAR TREK III's Cathie Shirriff.


I really can't recommend it as a good film, obviously, but if you'd like to see a movie that makes ONCE BITTEN and DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT both look like THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS, here's your chance. It occasionally shows up on Retroplex and Indieplex.

Film Reviews in Review

Since a Hell of a lot more people are reading the blog now than in 2006, and the "Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" series is into its third year, I thought I might hip you to the series' first 15 installments.

Amazingly, we're still batting .000 getting these out in the U.S., although several have reached DVD overseas. Here's what you newbies might have missed the first time around. Who knows, you might be inspired to join me in asking for a remastering or two. Short descriptions follow, with links to the original reviews provided in purple below:

# 1: BARQUERO (1970) Vietnam commentary disguised as an American version of a spaghetti western, with the dead bodies reaching triple digits.

# 2: SO FINE (1981) Andrew Bergman paying homage to WHAT'S UP DOC? and A NIGHT AT THE OPERA, with Jack Warden swearing up a storm.

# 3: BLOOD AND LACE (1971) You'll see where HALLOWEEN and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET picked up an idea or two. Perhaps most frightening of all, your ass kicking hero is played by Vic "Stow it, Flo!" Tayback!

# 4: WHO'S MINDING THE MINT? (1967) A crowd pleasing old-school caper film, complete with ladies' man Bob Denver.

# 5: MY SWEET CHARLIE (1970) One of the most acclaimed made for television films of all time, now curiously all but forgotten.

# 6: THUNDER RUN (1986) Forrest Tucker keeps America safe from bloodthirsty terrorists. Going up against the man who firebombed The Crawling Eye, killed the Yeti and kept the peace with the Hekawis...I mean, how stupid can they be?

# 7: PRETTY MAIDS ALL IN A ROW (1971) They just don't make 'em like this anymore. Actually, I'm not sure anyone except Roger Vadim ever did.....assisted by Gene Roddenberry (no kidding).

# 8: DON'T MAKE WAVES (1967) They don't make 'em like this anymore either, but Tony Curtis made about a dozen in the mid-1960's similar to it. Here's the best one.

# 9: DIPLOMANIACS (1933) Meet Wheeler and Woolsey....

# 10: FAST BREAK (1979) Gabe Kaplan, above the title film star. Yep, it really happened!

# 11: LISTEN TO ME (1989) Perhaps the most ridiculous teen film of the 1980's, with the possible exception of FROM THE HIP. On second thought, nah, not even close. Kirk Cameron tries an Oklahoma accent? Yep...about half the time anyway.

# 12: NEVER SAY GOODBYE (1946) Errol Flynn's attempt at a Christmas perennial. It's no IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE but it shouldn't have disappeared either.

# 13: MURDER BY NATURAL CAUSES (1979) Almost flawless made-for-TV entertainment by COLUMBO geniuses Levinson and Link.

# 14: NEIGHBORS (1981) John Belushi's final film....isn't that reason enough?

# 15: DARKTOWN STRUTTERS (1975) I'M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA while the 1970's were still happening, only a lot crazier. Really!

Happy reading if you're a newcomer! Number 36 is on the way.......