F TROOP Fridays: "How to be F Troop Without Really Trying" (1966)

 

F TROOP Fridays: Number 41 

F TROOP: "How to be F Troop Without Really Trying" (ABC-TV/Warner Brothers 1966)  Season Two, Episode 2; Original Air Date: September 15, 1966.  Starring Forrest Tucker as Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke, Larry Storch as Corporal Randolph Agarn, Ken Berry as Captain Wilton Parmenter, Melody Patterson as Wrangler Jane, Frank deKova as Chief Wild Eagle, Don Diamond as Crazy Cat, James Hampton as Bugler Hannibal Dobbs, Bob Steele as Duffy, Joe Brooks as Vanderbilt.  Guest Stars: George Tyne as Major Bradley and Les Brown Jr. as Lieutenant Harrison.  Written by Arthur Julian.  Directed by David Alexander.

Major Bradley is the latest visiting officer to ride into Fort Courage.  Inspection?  Hardly. F Troop has been ordered to train their own replacements, G Troop.  The entire squad is being transferred to Bloody Creek, with the exception of one N.C.O. who will remain: Corporal Randolph Agarn.  

This news is poorly received by all: Agarn doesn't want to be left with a bunch of strangers, Jane and Wilton don't want to be separated by distance, and O'Rourke surely doesn't want to be away from his lucrative side hustle (though, unbelievably, this isn't even brought up until Act II).  An order is an order, however, and this is one time Uncle Sam seemingly won't be deterred by any shenanigans.

After The Singing Mountie opened F TROOP's sophomore season with a bang, the second color entry is a huge letdown.  The weakest of the 36 segments to date, How to be F Troop Without Really Trying is almost completely incongruous with everything that preceded it--surprising since it was written by the most prolific of the show's writers, Arthur Julian.  The single biggest issue is the complete impotence of Sergeant O'Rourke, heretofore the man who ruled while Parmenter reigned.  

More fun than the audience is having, that's for sure

Much like Bilko at Fort Baxter a century after him, O'Rourke was the real mover and shaker at Fort Courage.  When we met him in Scourge of the West, he'd already eliminated two Captains and a Major before Parmenter arrived (two desertions, one nervous breakdown) and gave him his "Great White Pidgeon"--the perfect C.O. for O'Rourke Enterprises.  Presidency of that Enterprises paid well enough that a General's pay would be a salary reduction, and threats to the Sarge's business were eliminated one by one--be they from a quartet of visiting Majors (including one from the Bengal Lancers!) or from empowered members of Parmenter's esteemed military family.  He might be temporarily bowed by each obstacle presented, but O'Rourke was never surrendering his highly profitable side hustle meekly.  

That Sergeant O'Rourke is missing entirely from How to be F Troop Without Really Trying.  Previously defending his Enterprises at all costs, he's oddly submissive to this order, deferring to Wilton's formal protest via official channels.  The helplessness might be understandable, but not the apathy.  The Sarge weirdly seems more concerned with the potential breakup of Jane and Wilton than with the loss of his own business until the literal day before the move, when he suddenly realizes he has one.  Even then we get no real subterfuge from the NCO's or their partners, just a toothless threat from Wild Eagle to break the treaty which goes nowhere.  A man willing to sabotage military strategy (to the point of letting the Hekawi take over Fort Courage once!) and even risk being burned at the stake to save his beloved establishment is now ungrudgingly handing the reigns to Agarn and becoming a soldier again.  Hey...who are you, and what have you done with Morgan O'Rourke?

The impression given is that working on Major Bradley is completely useless against this bureaucratic order--one somehow superior to all the others previously faced.  Why then, is it so abruptly overturned by a few seconds of post-Parmenter ineptitude (no worse than anything we've seen previously) by....Major Bradley?  And Sarge does nothing to facilitate the eventual fatal flaw---that incompetent F Troop would produce trainees just as hopeless.  He's already ridden off to Bloody Creek, when in fact this Achilles heel should have been one of O'Rourke's first thoughts, since this was his initial counter to the threat Bentley Royce posed in the aforementioned Phantom Major.  

Greed and ambition? Also lacking from Corporal Agarn's response.  Before now (Play, Gypsy, Play and Lt. O'Rourke, Front and Center) eager to prove he could provide the brains of the organization just as well as the Sarge, Agarn is also a changed man for the worse.  Yeah, he's always been gentler than O'Rourke, but never to the point of having no heart whatsoever for even keeping the Enterprises going without him.  He's always been a weeper, but an avaricious one.  Until now, that is.  

"I was told you even smoked the peace pipe."

"I didn't inhale!"

With complete changes in our characters that normally would never be found outside of a dream sequence, there's little to recommend about How to be F Troop Without Really Trying.  It is historically significant for the above line, a quarter century before Bill Clinton famously used it, and also as the very first example of the "Who says I'm dumb?" exchange that would rival the falling lookout tower as F TROOP's signature running gag.  The rest of the time, this slow moving plot give us lots of ineptitude-fueled slapstick and sappy sentimentality failing to bolster Julian's still-solid wordplay.  Fortunately, O'Rourke and Agarn would return to being their normal materialistic selves in subsequent weeks, thankfully making this dire affair an outlier.  

HOW'S BUSINESS AT O'ROURKE ENTERPRISES?

About to go bankrupt without a whimper, apparently.  We never even visit the saloon and it is as if it doesn't even exist this week.  Strangely, O'Rourke has all that merchandise surrounding him while he sits in the NCO Club while he worries about the fate of the Wilton/Jane romance.  Yes, really.

NUMBER OF TIMES O'ROURKE COULD HAVE BEEN TRIED FOR TREASON?

He did consort with the enemy when he advised the Chief to threaten to break the treaty.  That's still a far cry from actually throwing battles or paying for easily repelled attacks, though, and not nearly as much fun.

WISE OLD HEKAWI SAYING?

Not much wisdom from anyone young or old in this.  Parmenter had a long-winded quote from his father that defended seemingly unjust Army orders, but extra verbiage didn't equal extra wisdom or humor.  

HISTORICAL FACTS:

Agarn asks Duffy to send him a letter Pony Express about his Alamo exploits, with the Private reminding him that it stopped running five years ago.  ("I know that Duffy.")  It did in fact cease operations in October 1861, so apparently How to be F Troop Without Really Trying takes place exactly one century prior to its September 1966 air date.

THE BOTTOM LINE:

The worst installment to date by far and arguably the worst of the entire series.  Other segments that didn't get the show's characters right were usually done by freelancers or first time F TROOP scripters. Writing his 15th episode here, Arthur Julian has no such excuse.  Fortunately, this was not indicative of a new direction.  Sandwiched between The Singing Mountie and Bye, Bye Balloon, How to be F Troop without Really Trying is an isolated dud best skipped over while you are binging IMO.  (1/2 star out of ****)

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