Film Review: JOHNNY BE GOOD (1988)

CAMP CLASSIC EDITION!






JOHNNY BE GOOD (1988 Orion Pictures) Starring Anthony Michael Hall, Uma Thurman, Robert Downey Jr., Robert Downey Sr., Paul Gleason, Jennifer Tilly, Steve James, Seymour Cassel, Marshall Bell, Deborah May, Michael Greene.  Directed by Bud Smith.


Hall is a hot-shot high school quarterback fresh off his second state championship in a row, and the major colleges have come a-callin' before he signs his letter of intent.  Best bud Downey Jr. recommends the highest bidder.  Girlfriend Thurman wants him to join her at State, but State coach James isn't offering the perks that boosters Cassel and Greene dangle from larger schools.  The former is willing to offer high school coach Gleason (whom Hall can't stand) the job if Hall comes along for the ride.  All the while, mysterious Downey Sr. observes the entire process and records notes to self.

Unsavory recruiting practices for college athletics is a surefire topic for a movie with teen appeal; it's astonishing that only two came down the pike during the decade of the Brat Pack (the other being 1983's ALL THE RIGHT MOVES).  While that Tom Cruise film went the dramatic route (a la BLUE CHIPS, ONE ON ONE), JOHNNY BE GOOD takes the comedic route previously mined by 1979's FAST BREAK.  JOHNNY BE GOOD can't touch the underrated Gabe Kaplan vehicle for laughs, and is far less realistic to boot--no easy feat.

Any hope of genuine audience engagement in the situation is obliterated during the opening scenes depicting the State Championship Game.  Hall is Coach Gleason's ticket to a top college job, yet the coach stupidly risks having his star quarterback returning kickoffs, punting, and facing frustrated pass rushers with a 52-0 lead!  Numerous coaches and recruiters are in the stands, yet Hall blatantly fakes an injury in front of all the folks crucial to his future.  He does it to get backup Downey Jr. into the game, and the opponent--supposedly the second best team in the state--can't even keep this fifth stringer from a touchdown run after he starts by running at least thirty yards the wrong way!  One can only imagine the quality of the teams that didn't get to the final.

After the game, the absurdity continues, with a post-game call from Howard Cosell (sadly showing symptoms of Parkinson's during his cameo) urging Hall to choose that widely known destination for future pros, Yale University (Why?  Cosell wasn't even an alum!).  Cheerleaders join the football team under the showerheads (both still in uniform, PG-13, folks) and numerous recruiters wearing jackets from the closet of Rudy Russo bombard the nation's hottest prospect with loud offers of money, cars and girls (or if he prefers, boys) en route to his car outside the stadium.  All of this within the first five minutes.

The once great champ, now a study in mopishness.....

No doubt, Hall wanted to break out of the "nerd" stereotype with this role (and OUT OF BOUNDS) and the 6'2" actor manages to look the part.  His passing looks far better on film than Charlton Heston's or Adam Sandler's.  But he's given no help from the weak script (by REVENGE OF THE NERDS alumni Steve Zacharis and Jeff Buhai) or from the unremarkable direction by first timer Bud S. Smith.  Twice nominated for an Oscar as a film editor (THE EXORCIST, FLASHDANCE), Smith returned to his area of expertise after JOHNNY BE GOOD and has yet to helm another feature.  He never brings the proceedings any closer to planet Earth after that opening sequence, and the tone is all over the place, shifting abruptly from ZAZ gags (such as the "chip tray" at Tex's house) to somber moments (Johnny's conversation with a former hot-shot recruit turned gas station attendant by an injury).

Three of Smith's credits as editor were directed by Robert Downey, Sr., a connection that no doubt helped bring the cult filmmaker to the supporting cast.  In a rare bright moment, their collaboration PUTNEY SWOPE plays at the drive-in, while Downey Sr. comments on the movie being "shit".  Great in-joke for us film buffs, but how many among JOHNNY BE GOOD's target demographic got this joke in 1988?  (There is one other moment of amusement along these lines, but it wouldn't become one for another decade: Downey Sr.'s NCAA investigator is named Lloyd Gondoli, which PUTNEY SWOPE fan Paul Thomas Anderson would use in BOOGIE NIGHTS for Philip Baker Hall's character).

Despite Hall's best efforts, filmgoing football fanatics are unlikely to suspend disbelief through the opening and an equally absurd pickup game between the two high school QB's and cops led by Thurman's father Bell.  The promised raunch on the recruiting trail never really materializes, and the ridiculous finale features a wild fistfight between dozens of recruiters on national television, which undercuts the intended impact of Hall's mature decision.   

JOHNNY BE GOOD has some appeal to those wanting to check out the future stars in the supporting cast, but even this attraction is limited.  Consistently manic Downey Jr. is essentially playing BACK TO SCHOOL's Derick Lutz again, only after ten energy drinks: a Razzie nomination would not have been out of place.  To be fair, Downey Jr. appears to be improvising a lot, which is understandable given the script's quality.  Uma Thurman makes a charming debut, but is given little to do other in her predictable character arc (she loves Johnny, then thinks he's a jerk, finally forgives him after he comes to his senses).   As for the adults, Seymour Cassel and Paul Gleason supply the assholishness and its nice to see the late Steve James playing against type in a key role.

Among genre camp classics from its era, JOHNNY BE GOOD is more rewatchable than COOL AS ICE, but never funny enough to touch the level of insanity reached by LISTEN TO ME.  Hall, who turned down FULL METAL JACKET and FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF prior to accepting this misfire, ended up back in supporting roles after its box office disappointment.  His performance can't really be faulted--just his taste in screenplays. 

DVD?

Yes, both standalone and in combination with other Brat Pack films, but unless you're a completist of one of the actors, don't bother.  Wait for the next showing on Encore Classic.

Film Review: NIGHT OF THE COBRA WOMAN (1972)

"Why the Hell isn't this on DVD yet?" -- Number 92


CAMP CLASSIC EDITION!




NIGHT OF THE COBRA WOMAN (1972 New World) Starring Joy Bang, Marlene Clark, Roger Garrett, Vic Diaz, Rosemarie Gil, Slash Marks, Vic Silayan.  Directed and Written by Andrew Meyer.

During World War II, Nurse Clark and a colleague are searching for herbs to use as remedies in a cave in the Philippines.  Clark is bitten by a distinctively marked cobra and forms a deep, symbiotic bond with the cobra that keeps her from aging over the next thirty years.  Bang arrives at that time to assist zoologist Silayan in venom research, bringing along boyfriend Garrett and his pet eagle(!) Dirk.  Sultry Clark makes Garrett her latest mate, causing him to age rapidly and motivating Bang to step up the research to save him.

Meyer, directing his second (and last) feature, also wrote and produced NIGHT OF THE COBRA WOMAN and acted in a small role.  Too many hats, no doubt.  He especially could have used help with the script.  Not only is the dialogue laughable, but Meyer isn't even able to sustain consistency of character or situation from one sentence to the next.  Consider the following exchange between Bang and Silayan (delivered very flatly and breathlessly by Bang) while a poor monkey bears the brunt of their research:

I'm a serious researcher.  See the glasses?

BANG: Can't we give her the venom right away Doctor?  I can't stand looking at her like this any more!
SILAYAN: I want to watch how much further her condition develops.  Listen, I got a meeting in the main building.  Will you stay and watch her?
BANG: Sure!  Is it all right if I run out and get some lunch?  I'll be right back.
SILAYAN: Okay.

It would take a terrific actress to make this work, and Bang ain't it.  She looks pretty inviting in one early scene in bed---

---presumably about to masturbate while she gazes longingly at a picture of Garrett.

But outside of this kinda-sexy interlude she is completely wooden in the rest of the flick, even when frustrated, "strenously objecting" (like the exchange above) or attempting to project fear or danger.

He's who all the fuss is over, ladies!

Beanpole Garrett also lacks screen presence, which makes the "love triangle" implausible.  Yeah, I know, Clark needs a steady supply of young men to keep the venom flowing, but it appears there's plenty of them right there in the Philippines for her.  Even if Garrett is "exotic" to her, he comes across as far short of studly.  Watching NIGHT OF THE COBRA WOMAN makes it obvious why neither Bang nor Garrett had a lengthy career onscreen.

Also unclear is how lethal Clark's venom is.  It is fatal for the young Filipino men she lures into her bed, but strangely didn't kill Diaz (who is introduced to us as a rapist in the opening scene) or Garrett.  While Diaz ended up pathetically deformed, he didn't pledge his undying love like Garrett and the other conquests.  In fact, he wants revenge.  Does the effect depend on her feelings?  Theirs?  The toxin dose?  Is the length of copulation a factor?  Just some of the many things Meyer fails to clarify.

In all the confusion, the saving grace is Marlene Clark, who singlehandedly provides the vavavoom factor by getting naked frequently and also spending a considerable amount of time in her underwear.

Usually a very reliable actress, Clark is surprisingly as stiff as her co-stars much of the time.  Yes, she's supposed to be reserved after her transformation, but her delivery is just as leaden in the scene before she experiences love at first bite.  Give her props, though.  She's burdened with the bulk of the exposition, shows commitment to the absurd material, and is damned stunning even when she's shedding her skin (which happens after each tryst, apparently).  Clark also generates a few unintentional giggles of her own during a "fight to the death" between her cobra and Garrett's falcon.  Fortunately, she received a much better opportunity in the horror genre with the following year's GANJA AND HESS, one she seized impressively.

So...why isn't this on DVD?

Delivers less than it promises and is sloppily made even for an exploitation flick.  For all the jollies everyone gets at Joy Bang's screen name, her work in NIGHT OF THE COBRA WOMAN makes you understand that it wasn't her moniker that kept her from becoming a leading lady.

Is it gratuitous to show a second pic from this scene?  I didn't think so either.

Why it should be on DVD:

Bad movie fans will still find some laughs, just not as many as they will find in other, better (worse?) camp classics.  It is certainly a must for Marlene Clark fans and she is always a welcome presence, clothed or not.  NIGHT OF THE COBRA WOMAN is now streaming at Netflix Instant and has recently been airing on Epix Drive-In channel as well.

Film Review: THE SENIORS (1978)

"Why the Hell is this in so many dollar DVD bins?"





THE SENIORS (1978 Cinema Shares International) Starring Jeffrey Byron, Dennis Quaid, Gary Imhoff, Lou Richards, Priscilla Barnes, Alan Reed, Rocky Flintermann, Edward Andrews, Ian Wolfe, Woodrow Parfrey, Alan Hewitt, Lynn Cartwright, Robert Emhardt, Troy Hoskins.  Directed by Rod Amateau.  Written by Stanley Shapiro.

Byron, Quaid, Imhoff and Richards are the titular students on the verge of graduation, a terrifying prospect.  After all four strike out at obtaining funds for graduate school, leader Byron uses nerdy virgin Flintermann's connection with reclusive Nobel Prize winning scientist Reed to obtain a $50,000 grant for a study on "Sex and the College Girl".  The guys "give" their "housekeeper" Barnes to Flintermann in return, and set about paying female volunteers $20 per hour while serving as the males themselves....initially.

Filmed at Southern Methodist University in Dallas and featuring many Texas actors (including leads Quaid and Richards), THE SENIORS could have only been made in the pre-HIV Seventies.  Amateau and Shapiro were both seasoned old hands at the sex comedy by this time, their credits dating back to LOVE THAT BOB and PILLOW TALK respectively.  As a result of their involvement, THE SENIORS combines the cheerfully casual sexism of mid-Sixties Hollywood comedies (i.e. A GUIDE FOR THE MARRIED MAN) with the more explicit content that the Seventies allowed.

Calling it casual sexism is an understatement here, but it's so over the top in THE SENIORS that it's actually hard to get offended.  The treatment of gorgeous Barnes (playing a nymphomaniac who loves to clean, cook and play "four on one" with our heroes) is remarkably hideous.  Byron gestures at her, telling Flintermann that "this (not "she") could have been yours"; she immediately becomes Flintermann's "sex slave" after Byron and company give the word; and the future THREE'S COMPANY star doesn't have a single line but does get topless.  Cartwright has the only other female role that's more than a cameo, as the Seniors' unknowing benefactor who mistakenly thinks that Reed has the libido of ten college students.  When curious Cartwright pursues Reed, the human hating (but mosquito loving) scientist sprays her with a fire extinguisher, "smokes" her out of the chimney, and fires a 12 gauge at her twice.  But on the plus side, she has plenty of dialogue.

THE SENIORS isn't quite as titillating as is promised by the subject matter.  Given the filmmakers' respective backgrounds in a more innocent time, this isn't surprising.  Only three other females (all well endowed, though one is clearly 'enhanced') join Barnes in actually getting topless, and the nudity goes no further.  The sex scenes tastefully (well, sort of) come to a halt after our foursome decides to delegate their activities to lecherous local businessmen willing to make a "donation". 

The final half hour of SENIORS gets plot-heavier than most films of this stripe as our entrepreneurs take in some corrupt partners who would fit perfectly in the post Glass-Steagall financial world.  By this time, banker Andrews asserts that "The corporation is too big to fall!" and Police Inspector Hewitt asserts that "There are times when in order to uphold the law, you must break it!"  The most prescient T and A comedy ever made?  Perhaps.

While one doesn't exactly tune in to films like THE SENIORS for thick plotting and corporate satire, the fine assortment of veteran character actors turns out to be a solid plus.  Andrews plays a greedy banker as well as anyone this side of Raymond Bailey.  Emhardt is as untrustworthy as ever as a Bishop who secures "honest and discreet" help for the study.  Wolfe and Parfrey make a hilarious comedy team as an ancient feminine hygiene magnate and the toadying lawyer who serves as his "ears".  Best of all is Reed (the former Fred Flintstone) in his acting swan song as the obviously German ("sauerbraten and pancakes?") three time Nobel Prize winner ("it should have been four") who becomes the unwitting front man for the most-talked about sex study since the Kinsey Report. 

Byron's dime store platitudes in voice over are as unconvincing as any campaign speech at the film's close, and simultaneous sloppiness onscreen doesn't help (i.e. female names under the yearbook pics of Byron and Richards).  As was the case in the aforementioned GUIDE FOR THE MARRIED MAN, reality intrudes on the male fantasy world and leads to a moralistic conclusion after a frighteningly close call for our heroes.

Well, sort of.  The coda shows us where the line is drawn.  Let's just say that the guys don't decide against their original idea on a smaller scale.  After revisiting it for one of the few times since it was forbidden late night fruit for us male teens who weren't old enough to drive, I can safely say THE SENIORS remains a "Bad Movie I Love".  It's incredibly chauvinistic and skimps on its original assignment in the final act, but doesn't cop out completely.

A time capsule, dated on arrival (i.e. Gene Cotton's soundtrack) and ahead of its time all at once, THE SENIORS might have been more explicit had it arrived a couple of years later.  As it is, it forms a perfect double feature with 1986's MALIBU BIKINI SHOP: respectively epitomizing the salad days and the last gasp of the R-rated sex comedy's Golden Age.

This one's on DVD????

Yup, on too many labels to count.  Originally distributed by Cinema Shares International, THE SENIORS appears to have lapsed into the public domain after a mere thirty years, since my copy is obviously a bootleg and there's at least three different releases for sale at any given time on Amazon, usually touting Dennis Quaid's presence.  A remastering would be great.  Perhaps the four leads could reunite for a commentary?  If not, at least have some extras, preferably with Barnes getting a chance to speak this time.

Guest Posting "Bad" Movies I Love at Rupert's

It's that time again: guest post time!  Rupert Pupkin Speaks is hosting yet another excellent series of guest posts from film bloggers all over the 'net.  This time, we're all invited to name so-called "Bad" Movies We Love.

Some great lists have popped up already from my fellow film reviewers Paul Corupe, Marty McKee and T. L. Bugg among others; Rupert's hosted over twenty lists already since June, and shared his own as well.  Check 'em all out, you'll probably find a few to add to your "must watch" list.  I know I have.

I'm honored to be invited to share my own contribution today.  Check it out for overblown Hollywood Sixties soapers, late Seventies Skinemax time capsules and some over the top Eighties action.   Nine choice morsels in all.  I regret that space limitations kept me from listing more, but feel free to add selections from our Camp Classics list to round yours out.

I'd like to thank Rupert again for the invitation, a great way to kick off the second half of 2012 here at The Horn Section.  As the late Andy Griffith said in A FACE IN THE CROWD, we're "loaded for bear"!

Film Review: DEATH IN SMALL DOSES (1957)

"Why the Hell isn't THIS on DVD yet?" -- Number 77




CAMP CLASSIC EDITION!




DEATH IN SMALL DOSES (1957 Allied Artists) Starring Peter Graves, Mala Powers, Chuck Connors, Robert Williams, Roy Engel, Merry Anders, Harry Lauter, John Dierkes.  Directed by Joseph M. Newman.

FDA agent Graves goes undercover as a driver in training for a Los Angeles trucking company to crack a case involving the trafficking of "bennies" (amphetamines).  The bennies are being supplied to truckers for long distance runs with the result being a number of fatal accidents.  Moving into Powers' boardinghouse upon arrival, Graves doesn't have to wait long for suspicious activity.  Manic co-worker Connors seems to be on a constant unnatural high, Dierkes freaks out and attacks a Teamster brother with a meat hook, and long-timer Engel turns up dead shortly after warning the newcomer about the dangers of having pills for co-pilots.  The increasingly addicted Connors becomes Graves' new partner and unwittingly outs waitress Anders as a connection.  Meanwhile, Powers takes a shine to the "rookie" from out of town.

As a cautionary drug tale of its era, DEATH IN SMALL DOSES isn't as exploitative as HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL, but it does contain a lot more sensationalism than (say) a MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM.   Drivers are dependent enough on their "co-pilots" to have a vial in one hand while the other is on the steering wheel, and violent attacks and hallucinations occur with amazing frequency.  Typical of the era's B's from Allied Artists, it is consistently entertaining, particularly the performances.  The MVP is ex-Boston Celtic and Chicago Cub Connors.  Just a year away from his stoic signature role as THE RIFLEMAN, Connors literally can't stand still, constantly grinning ear to ear and delivering his hep patter at a mile a minute.

Connors and Graves make a fun Mutt and Jeff pair in their scenes together.  The former's nonstop animation contrasts hilariously with Squaresville resident Graves, whose woodenness is almost on the Adam West as BATMAN level.  Watching poker-faced Graves here makes it easy to see why he appeared to be having a blast in AIRPLANE! a quarter century later.

As you'd expect from pros like Graves, Powers, Connors and director Newman (Allied's THE GEORGE RAFT STORY), DEATH IN SMALL DOSES is professionally made and acted, a cut above exploitation.  Particularly unsettling is Connors' wild driving on no sleep.  Hey, that convertible suddenly forced into a game of chicken with a transport truck could be you or me!

But is it so well done that I hesitate to bestow it with the Camp Classic label?  Nah.  Not when we have pep pills inducing murderous rages.  That meat hook attack starts one workday(!) and later, such homicidal intent is even premeditated, as Connors steals a steak knife with the intent of using it later because that wheel is HIS, Baby!  Even REEFER MADNESS didn't go that far.  DEATH IN SMALL DOSES is way too competent to reach that level, but it isn't exactly Everything You Wanted to Know About Bennies but were Afraid to Ask either.  Saying it is a "hilarious howl" like TV Guide is overstating a bit, but it does provide a lot of smiles before our most entertaining addict crashes.

So.....why isn't this on DVD yet?

A low budget Allied Artists cautionary tale overshadowed by more teen-oriented and unabashedly exploitative tales from the same era, DEATH IN SMALL DOSES just fell through the cracks, never even receiving a VHS release and rarely airing on TV.

Why it should be on DVD:

Both TV Guide and The Psychotronic Video Guide call it a must-see, two sources disparate enough to provide all the references you need, right?  Fans of Chuck Connors are especially encouraged to search for this one; he singlehandedly ensures that a good time will be had by all.  DEATH IN SMALL DOSES recently had its Turner Classic Movies premiere, so be on the lookout for a repeat showing in the near future. 

Missing No Longer: SKIDOO (1968) and CHAINED HEAT (1983)

Two more Horn Section favorites and review subjects are coming to DVD in July!


In the case of CHAINED HEAT (1983), which was reviewed here as part of our Tamara Dobson 65th birthday Salute, you'd better hurry.  Courtesy of the one and only Mr. Skin, CHAINED HEAT is arriving on July 12th as part of a WIP Triple Feature along with RED HEAT (1985) and JUNGLE WARRIOR (1984).

It's a bit pricey at $29.98 if CHAINED HEAT is the only title you want, but there's excellent value for the money: interviews with actresses Stella Stevens and Sybil Danning (who co-starred in all three films) and the very first UNCUT release of CHAINED HEAT ever; at 98 minutes this release is three minutes longer than the theatrical release and will contain nine full minutes of footage missing from both the VHS release and the print that recently made the Showtime/TMC cable rounds a couple of years back.

Where to order this long-awaited must see?  Synapse Films has it available for pre-order now and, of course, so does Amazon.  As I stated above, you'd better hurry, as rumor has it that the rights will expire at the end of 2011, so this is truly "available for a limited time only".  Is CHAINED HEAT worth the rush, and the price?
Well, let's see: Linda Blair, John Vernon, Henry Silva, Tamara Dobson, Sybil Danning.....I could go on, but why not just read the review and decide for yourself?

CHAINED HEAT isn't the only long-awaited DVD release this month.  On July 19th, SKIDOO (1968) will be arriving via Olive Films, after years of being out of circulation.  In fact, this late 1960's Otto Preminger experiment was never released on VHS and was long-rumored to be withheld for the longest time by the late director's estate.  It isn't a success, but it isn't that big of an embarrassment either.

The Riddler on acid!

It's hard to describe SKIDOO in a concise manner.  So hard that it probably holds the record for The Horn Section's lengthiest review of a film.  (Yes, I'm aware I get long-winded doing the QUINCY, M.E. recaps.  But they ain't films!)  If you have a few days to kill, here's the original review, which was posted when TCM originally dusted SKIDOO off in 2008 for a run on TCM Underground.

More recently, the venerable hippie-era relic made the rounds on Showtime and Flix this Spring, and now it is available for pre-order from, where else, Amazon.

Not much I can add to the review except this, the trailer:

Enjoy!  More reviews to follow, including The Horn Section's participation in a blogathon later this month.  Happy 4th!

Film Review: WITHOUT WARNING (1980)

"Why the Hell isn't THIS on DVD yet?" -- Number 62



CAMP CLASSIC EDITION!

WITHOUT WARNING (1980 Filmways) Starring Martin Landau, Jack Palance, Larry Storch, Cameron Mitchell, Tarah Nutter, Christopher S. Nelson, David Caruso, Neville Brand, Kevin Peter Hall, Ralph Meeker, Sue Ann Langdon, Lynn Thell.  Directed by Greydon Clark.

In a Midwestern forest area, tentacled green bloodsucking creatures about the size of a sponge are ambushing and killing would-be hunters and campers.  Among the victims: gun enthusiast Mitchell, Cub Scout leader Storch, and a teen couple, Thell and Caruso.  After the demise of the daters, their friends Nelson and Nutter seek help in a secluded local diner, but they're only able to come with two strange locals, Palance (as the requisite "creepy gas station owner") and battle scarred Vietnam vet Landau.  The four of them set out to find and destroy the alien(s) behind the gooey, gory attacks.

Barely noticed during its 1980 release, WITHOUT WARNING has developed a devoted cult in the three decades since, thanks mainly to two factors: unavailability and Arnold Schwarzenegger himself crediting the low-budget horror film as an inspiration for his smash PREDATOR.  Operating with only a $150,000 budget, Greydon Clark (JOYSTICKS) nevertheless manages to put together some memorable visuals despite inconsistent pacing. 

It was Clark who suggested the change to the spinning, appendaged attackers (in the original script alien Hall used a bow and arrow) and they provide some gleefully disgusting moments.  When airborne they appear to be spheric, then rectangular.  Finally, when one lands on a windshield we can determine it is pentagonal.  For some reason, their attacks are limited to grown humans, as they let Storch's troop flee the area unharmed while draining only the hapless scoutmaster.  Why?  It's never explained.  Just go with it!

Clark also manages to put together a name cast for the dollars, though Storch, Mitchell, Brand and Meeker probably all spent one day apiece on the set, tops.  As for stars Palance and Landau, few viewers seeing their work here would have thought they were watching two future Academy Award winners.  Palance smiles continuously, Landau stays wide-eyed and tightens his jaw.  Both are shamelessly hammy, and their wild overplaying helps keep things afloat during an extended dull stretch in the second half.

Strangely, WITHOUT WARNING has probably become overrated due to its scarcity at this point.  Practically every film blog out there has covered it in the past few years, including A.V. Club and Film Fanatic.  (Yeah, I'm late to the party.  Sue me.)  While it may not be a high point on anyone's resume (except maybe Clark's) it is more impressive when taking the budget (half of which went for Palance and Landau) and influence into account.  PREDATOR lifted the premise and 7'2" actor Hall (who played the alien in both films) from this little-seen, very silly, sometimes boring, but also pretty funny and fondly remembered little horror flick.

So....why isn't this on DVD?

It's a ridiculous low budget horror film that isn't scary and loses momentum halfway through.   Filmways was defunct less than two years later (absorbed into Orion Pictures), which may or may not have impacted the video availability of WITHOUT WARNING, though it probably didn't help.


Why it should be on DVD:

Any time a film this obscure has such devoted advocates, the filmmaker was obviously doing something right.  He was indeed: giving us the aliens and expirations that stick in one's memory, and hiring the veteran character actors who energetically give this flick much of its heft.  Landau!  Palance! The also crazed Mitchell!  The wobbly Meeker!  The legendary Storch, who was the only intentional comic relief ("They were a, uh, bean growing tribe.")!  Not to mention David Caruso making a screen debut he'd probably rather forget.

WITHOUT WARNING made its MGM HD premiere in the summer of 2010 and has been repeated, so that's your channel to schedule check when seeking this one out.

Film Review: GLORY DAYS (1988)

"Why the Hell isn't THIS on DVD yet?" -- Number 48

CAMP CLASSIC EDITION!

GLORY DAYS (1988 CBS-TV) Starring Robert Conrad, Jennifer O’Neil, Shane Conrad, Ed O’Ross, Stacy Edwards, Pamela Gidley, Duane Davis, Micah Grant, Brian A. Smith. Directed by Robert Conrad.

Robert Conrad is a self-made businessman who has been successful beyond his wildest dreams, able to retire in his early fifties. Perhaps inspired by Rodney Dangerfield, Bob elects to rectify his biggest regret--passing up that football scholarship 35 years earlier--and enter Pacific University with son Shane Conrad, a highly recruited star quarterback.  Unlike Rodney, Bob immediately gets the hang of college, explaining that U.S. tire regulations are a lot more confusing than the classwork. 

The elder Conrad further emulates Thornton Melon by joining his son athletically on the Pacific Tigers, who initially seem to be about as successful as Grand Lakes University’s diving team. That is, until an injury to the younger Conrad forces the elder one into action as the new starting quarterback.  Having Wally Pipped his own son, Robert leads the team on a winning streak, threatens the league's passing record(!), and charms comely Gidley in the process, putting a strain on his marriage to the also hot (but almost age appropriate, at least) O’Neil.

Everybody loves this guy!  Everybody!!!

Very few things are funnier than a vanity project that gets out of control.  Witness the word of mouth that caused 2003’s barely released THE ROOM to become a sensation as possibly the worst film of the 21st century so far. Yes, I realize that Dangerfield saved the day in BACK TO SCHOOL, but that film was played for laughs.  Conrad is serious here!  In GLORY DAYS, the erstwhile Eveready spokesman asks us to believe that he can play quarterback in college at 5’7", in his fifties, with a throwing motion that makes Bill Kilmer's look like Dan Marino's.

And not merely playing quarterback, but establishing himself as the MVP of the Conference (Doug Flutie is briefly referenced in a smart lampshading attempt) thirty years after he last picked up a football. The WILD, WILD WEST star is a much better actor than director, as he fails to make any of the football sequences look any more convincing than his passing.

Y'ever....seen a show called Hawaiian Eye?

No worries about going “middle age crazy” or letting the adulation get out of hand, though. He might be the savior of the coach, team, school and the oldest B.M.O.C. in history, but his essential morality wins out. Conrad bypasses a chance to prove he’s still “got it” with Gidley, electing to stay instead of straying--Jennifer O’Neil fans can rest easy. With the junior Conrad sufficiently recovered from the injury, Robert graciously walks to the sideline a few yards shy of the league record(!) to let his son (then 17 and just starting his own acting career) return to the spotlight. Tough. Talented. Athletic.  Agelessly virile.  A terrific student.  Yet humble.  What a guy!

In a world where misfired vanity projects provide copious amounts of unintentional hilarity, GLORY DAYS deserves rediscovery. Although he co-directed THE BANDITS in 1967, DAYS remains Conrad’s only feature-length effort as solo director. Aside from this one telefilm his efforts behind the camera would be limited to his numerous series (BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP, HIGH MOUNTAIN RANGERS). It’s easy to see why when giggling your way through this one.

So…..why isn’t this on DVD?

Movies made for television in the 1970’s and 1980’s continue to have a low batting average in getting released, even the high quality productions.

Going back to college in your late middle age ain't easy, at least not in DVD land.  Dangerfield's BACK TO SCHOOL is available, but Bing Crosby's HIGH TIME (1960) joins Conrad's effort on the sidelines as of this writing.

Why it should be on DVD:

It's comedy gold, people.  Name any unsuccessful attempt at looking like a quarterback you can think of: the aforementioned Sandler (THE LONGEST YARD), Charlton Heston (NUMBER ONE), even Alan Alda as George Plimpton in PAPER LION. Conrad provides more laughs than any of them without even trying.  To be fair, he was far older--at least 53, and maybe 59 when GLORY DAYS was filmed (the latter according to court documents from his 2003 trial).

Acting, directing, producing. About the only thing Conrad didn’t do in this one was go out for the track team and avenge his Battle of the Network Stars loss to Gabe Kaplan, but I guess you can't have everything.  Still, GLORY DAYS is highly recommended for those of you who love finding humor in unlikely places.  

Film Review: THE OSCAR (1966)

"Why the Hell isn't THIS on DVD yet?" -- Number 45

CAMP CLASSIC EDITION!!!

THE OSCAR (1966 Embassy) Starring Stephen Boyd, Tony Bennett, Elke Sommer, Jill St. John, Eleanor Parker, Milton Berle, Ernest Borgnine, Broderick Crawford, Peter Lawford, Edie Adams, Walter Brennan, Ed Begley, Joseph Cotten.  Directed by Russell Rouse.

Stephen Boyd is a barker at a gentleman's club, St. John is his stripping girlfriend, Bennett his best friend/lackey and St. John's ex.  At the outset, at least. After getting stiffed for performance fees and arrested, Boyd's "Frankie Fane"(!) decides they should hitchhike to New York City where he plans to put his talent to use.  While said talent is never apparent to the viewer, he becomes a successful actor once he privately auditions for Parker.  Boyd eventually ends up in Hollywood when honest, scrupulous agent Berle decides to represent him on Parker's recommendation.  A user, womanizer and borderline psychotic offscreen, Boyd moves from St. John to Sommer and experiences a meteoric rise.  His fall is harsh, though, and just when he's about to submit to the ultimate indignity for a "big star"--a television series(!)--he gets word from ever-loyal Bennett that he's about to be nominated for an Oscar.  Seeing the opportunity to get back on top of the "glass mountain", Boyd decides to stack the odds in his favor.

Oh, Lord.  THE OSCAR is one of Hollywood's most notorious messterpieces, as beloved by bad movie buffs as the following year's VALLEY OF THE DOLLS or any of the countless all-star "disaster films" of the 1970's.  The notoriously inept screenplay is famed for jumping from one implausible situation to another and for the strained attempts at hip dialogue and hard hitting narration.  Creating your own lingo is terrific when it works (i.e. OCEAN'S ELEVEN, CLUELESS) but positively painful when it doesn't.  Who thought "birdseed" as an expletive would elicit anything but giggles, or that "bustin' thumb" had a shot at catching on as slang for hitchhiking?  

That aforementioned narration is given to first-time screen actor Bennett in another of the highly questionable decisions made by the filmmakers.  Bennett is the epitome of cool on the concert stage but he's completely lost trying to play "Hymie Kelly" (yes, really!), Boyd's socially inept but sensitive conscience.  Bennett is not only wooden, but clearly uncomfortable with his lines, delivering them rapidly with little inflection.  Not that the crooner should feel too bad about his debut. There's plenty of seasoned veterans making fools of themselves in THE OSCAR, including real-life Oscar winners Brennan, Borgnine, Begley and Crawford (as the bigoted "redneck sheriff").  Worst of all is the scenery-devouring Boyd, as the thoroughly uncompelling lead character--he's a heel (or, in this film's vernacular, isn't it a "fat honey dripper"?) in the beginning, a heel at the end, and a heel in between.  At least he's consistent.  To be fair it can't be easy playing a one-note character in one unrealistic, melodramatic scene after another.  Especially when you're forced to deliver howlers like:

"You got a glass head.  I can see right through it!  It's how I know you're stupid!!" Or: "Will you stop beating on my ears! I’ve had it up to here with all this bring-down!"  Or perhaps: "You’re making my head hurt with all that poetry!"

Just to name three out of two hundred or so.  Perhaps even more puzzling than all the wasted talent in front of the talent is the appalling screenplay that somehow came from 11-time Hugo winner Harlan Ellison and former Oscar winners Rouse and Clarence Green.  Then again, Ellison's greatest triumphs came in science fiction and Rouse and Green won for the light comedy PILLOW TALK.  Maybe each man was, like Bennett, just out of his element here.  Boyd's reign of terror (i.e. ruining lives, ruining careers, causing a then-illegal abortion) results in a "comeuppance" that doesn't even seem like a slap on the wrist in comparison, but he looks ready for an institution regardless.

THE OSCAR might be the biggest career destroyer in Hollywood history.  It effectively ended the careers of Rouse and Green--Oscar be damned, THE OSCAR was the penultimate feature for both.  Ellison continued to win awards by the armful for his short stories, teleplays and novellas, but THE OSCAR would be his lone screenplay.  Bennett would never again play anyone but himself in a feature, and Boyd's big screen career fizzled quickly following the one-two punch of this film and THE POPPY IS ALSO A FLOWER.  Surprisingly, Berle gives the film's best performance.  He often succumbed to hamminess in comedies, but Berle was effective in his infrequent dramatic roles (i.e. LEPKE).  He's a model of restraint here (certainly compared to Boyd) as the agent with a heart of gold, "Kappy Kapstetter" (yes---really.  Was there a plausibly named character in the entire film?). 

An embarrassment to almost all involved, THE OSCAR didn't come close to winning any Oscars but did get some love from the Golden Turkey Awards.  Still, that was 30 years ago, and this legendary baddie has slipped through the cracks since, while VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, THE SWARM, and the AIRPORT sequels continue to soak up the bad-movie love.   This is a wrong that should be righted: this oldie-but-baddie can stand toe to toe with any given year's Golden Raspberry nominees.  And so what if it's just two hours about a louse with no central theme?  According to Danny Peary, so is RAGING BULL--and this is a Hell of a lot funnier.

So.....why isn't this on DVD yet?


THE OSCAR had the misfortune to be released just before film language became more frank and honest ("Birdseed"???), the studio system became obsolete (BONNIE AND CLYDE and EASY RIDER were both less than 3 years away) and the aforementioned, flashier DOLLS assumed the all-star baddie throne of the 1960's.

Why it should be on DVD:

It may have been dated the moment it was released, but that only enhances the "appeal". THE OSCAR, long out of print on VHS, deserves more than just the occasional airing on TCM.  There's more than enough overwrought, badly delivered dialogue, ripe melodrama, and ridiculously named characters to keep a bad movie buff in glee for evenings to come.  It's also been way too hard to find for way too long.  Stop trying to sweep it under the rug!  It's comedy gold, I tell ya!