The Horn Section Salutes: KEN BERRY (1933-2018)

Oh, Captain!  My Captain!  Yesterday brought the very sad news that Ken Berry, our beloved Captain Wilton Parmenter, has passed away at age 85.

Mr. Berry was one of the biggest stars on television from the mid-1960's to the early 1970's, with the misfortune of having two hits cancelled despite high ratings within four years.  MAYBERRY R.F.D. is often cited as the most egregious example of CBS' 1971 "rural purge", as the show wrapped up its third season in 15th place in the Nielsens and got a pink slip anyway.  

Berry did an admirable job in the most difficult of situations, essentially replacing Andy Griffith on THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW.  TV history tells us that such continuations are virtually impossible to pull off: AfterMASH and SANFORD ARMS are among the many failures, and even ARCHIE BUNKER'S PLACE never cracked the top ten despite having the parent show's lead.  MAYBERRY R.F.D. ranked 4th in each of its first two seasons, a ranking that actually bettered half of the seasons from Griffith's run.

From HOLLYWOOD PALACE, November 27, 1965:

Of course, Ken Berry is loved by all of us here at The Horn Section for his brilliant performance as Captain Parmenter on F TROOP, and MAYBERRY's demise had to feel like deja vu all over again, as F TROOP was ABC's second highest rated sitcom behind BEWITCHED in each of its two seasons but was ended anyway.  Not by ABC, but by Warner Brothers!  In five seasons from 1965 to 1971, Ken Berry's series never averaged below a 31 share--but he received two cancellations anyway.  Tough crowd.

The network and studio executives, that is.  Certainly not the public.  Ken Berry landed his own variety show shortly afterward, and the 1972 KEN BERRY 'WOW' SHOW featured future stars Steve Martin, Cheryl Ladd and Teri Garr.

Along with leads in the Disney features HERBIE RIDES AGAIN and THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE, Berry was also memorably pitching Kinney shoes throughout the 1970's and early 1980's, before settling in for another long run on MAMA'S FAMILY.

But it is F TROOP that best demonstrates Ken Berry's versatility.   Berry dances in The Ballot of Corporal Agarn and Only One Russian Is Coming! Only One Russian Is Coming!, among others.  Other episodes to best remember our Captain by on this sad, sad day:

Old Ironpants: This first season entry isn't officially a dual role, but it might as well be.  Parmenter goes off for two weeks' training with General George Custer (wishing him good luck on his new assignment at Little Big Horn) and takes to the course all too well.

Captain Parmenter, One Man Army:  With O'Rourke, Agarn and the rest of the troop illegally re-enlisted, Parmenter finds himself alone at the Fort on the eve of an attack by the Shugs.

Wilton the Kid: Ken Berry gets his turn at a dual role in earnest, as Captain Parmenter and the bank robbing Kid Vicious.

Bye, Bye, Balloon: Watch the ballet-like almost pratfall that opens this memorable color episode, and how well Berry works with guest star Harvey Korman in the saber duel.  No segment better displays Berry's gift for physical comedy IMO.

Really, though, just about any of the 65 episodes will feature some first class comedy from Ken Berry and his castmates.  His passing leaves Larry Storch and my fellow Texan James Hampton as the only surviving regulars.  Berry's ex-wife Jackie Joseph is also still with us: she guest starred in Our Hero, What's His Name?

Rest in peace, Captain.  More of Ken Berry's interview at Emmy TV Legends follows.  The entire interview can be found here.

F TROOP Fridays: "The Day The Indians Won" (1966)

This edition of F TROOP Fridays doubles as The Horn Section's contribution to the 4th Annual Favourite TV Show Episode Blogathon, hosted by Terence at A Shroud of Thoughts.  Also the fourth consecutive year that The Horn Section has contributed to this March tradition! 

For the First Favourite TV Show Episode Blogathon back in 2015 I highlighted my favourite colour episode, Our Brave in F Troop.  This year, I will bookend my debut by putting the spotlight on my favorite F TROOP installment in glorious black and white.  Both episodes involve a successful invasion of Fort Courage by Chief Wild Eagle, and coincidentally, each was the penultimate segment of its respective season.

I admit that some of my affection for this particular episode stems from sentimental value. F TROOP began airing on KTVT Channel 11 locally in January 1981, but at 9 A.M. every morning--an impossibility for a 7th grader in the Winter.  Fortunately, Spring Break arrived in March, and I was able to acquaint myself for the first time with what would become my desert island TV show.

No, this wasn't the first F TROOP I ever saw: that was Play, Gypsy, Play.  It didn't even air during my scheduled week off.  But on Monday, March 16, 1981, everyone else went back to school--yours truly did not.  As luck would have it, I was genuinely sick, extending my vacation until St. Patrick's Day.  Yes, one more day with the Fort Courage foulups before I had to return to pencils, books and teacher's dirty looks.  The Day the Indians Won was KTVT's offering that morning, making my already incredibly sore sides even more inflamed from uncontrollable laughter.  Little did I know it was also the last I would see of F TROOP for over a year.  Channel 11 replaced it with RICHARD SIMMONS before our summer vacation.   No doubt ratings plummeted.

But I digress.  This introduction has become long-winded enough.  Without further ado, the episode that turned a stomach virus into one of my fondest childhood memories:  

F TROOP Fridays:  Episode 17


F TROOP: "The Day the Indians Won" (Season 1, Episode 33: Warner Brothers/ABC-TV 1966) Original Air Date: May 3, 1966.  Starring Forrest Tucker as Sergeant O'Rourke, Larry Storch as Corporal Agarn, Ken Berry as Captain Parmenter, Melody Patterson as Wrangler Jane, Frank deKova as Wild Eagle, Don Diamond as Crazy Cat, James Hampton as Bugler Dobbs, Bob Steele as Duffy, Joe Brooks as Vanderbilt, Ben Frommer as Papa Bear.  Guest star: Lou Krugman as Snake Eyes.  Written by Ed James and Seaman Jacobs.  Directed by David Alexander.

Sensing a Hekawi uprising because they've been "quiet too long", Captain Parmenter dispatches Sergeant O'Rourke and Corporal Agarn to the native's camp, where, conveniently, the principal shareholders of O'Rourke Enterprises already have a board meeting scheduled.

The Sarge and his V.P. get the best laugh they've had all week out of the Captain's suspicions, but bloodthirsty Inspector Snake Eyes ("Council of Indian Nations - West!") doesn't find the Hekawi record so funny.  The incredulous investigator ticks off the record that is so dismal in the eyes of his superiors at C.I.N./W: "Not one massacre, not one town wiped out, not even one wagon train attacked.  For twenty years you not even fight Indians!"

The native examiner discounts Crazy Cat's victorious quarrel with his wife (Apache on her mother's side) and is unmoved when Wild Eagle points out their always timely dues payments:

Snake Eyes: "Money NOT everything!"
Wild Eagle: "Boy, have YOU got wrong tribe!"

Snake Eyes orders the Hekawi to stage an attack within a week ("Get mad!") or lose their membership in the Council.  The tribe apparently needs continued good standing in the Council pretty badly, since Wild Eagle resolves to attack their old enemies, the Shugs--recently weakened enough to give the Hekawi an almost Alamo-like numbers advantage.

The tribe's business partners from O'Rourke Enterprises offer their assistance in training (that is, once O'Rourke reminds Agarn of the potential impact on profits), but the ensuing exercise in futility results in a bunch of groaning, exhausted braves and O'Rourke's studied analysis that even the Shug's grandmothers would prevail in the hypothetical battle.  Chief Wild Eagle agrees, and offers an alternative: a Hekawi attack on Fort Courage--with the Sarge fixing the fight, of course.  With O'Rourke Enterprises also facing rapid bankruptcy in the event of a Hekawi wipeout, the Sarge has a true dilemma: his country, or his wallet?

Well, the decision takes about two seconds.  Guess which one wins out?

Crazy Cat: "O'Rourke, you very good friend.  Indians finally going to win!"
Agarn: "Just don't make a habit of it."

The final episode penned by series co-creators (with Jim Barnett) Ed James and Seaman Jacobs, The Day the Indians Won is a hilarious reversal of the typical threat to the F TROOP universe.  Typically it's a visiting Army officer (i.e. The New I.G.) who threatens to upset the peaceful co-existence at Fort Courage by wiping out the bloodthirsty "savages".  The tables are turned this time, with Snake Eyes positively infuriated by Wild Eagle's pacifist ways.

O'Rourke is usually stuck negotiating a price with the Hekawi chief for a phony attack to impress the brass; this time the Sarge gets to charge Wild Eagle for the "cost of this little uprising".  Hard to begrudge the soldier, since he earns his money.  First, he and Agarn spend hours attempting to train Crazy Cat and his fellow braves, who are just as inept at tomahawks and archery as their F Troop counterparts are at marksmanship.

Not where they were aiming, needless to say

Then, O'Rourke and Agarn really earn their pay by making Fort Courage ripe for the taking on Friday ("a good day for a defeat"), the day before Snake Eyes is set to return.  With a phony new treaty (complete with "no massacre clause") for Captain Parmenter to turn in to territorial headquarters, the business partners manage to get rid of the C.O. and half of the troop needed for escort.  Most crucial of all to the success of the scheme, they manage to get the best deadeye in the Fort--Wrangler Jane--to go along on the trip.

O'Rourke: "He's right, Agarn.  What are friends for?"
Agarn: "Anybody knows that.  To help you make money."

Although we're told there are four hundred Hekawi, Wild Eagle only brings a fifteen or so to mount his surprise assault on Fort Courage, which itself is down to nine men after Parmenter takes his escorts.  With Vanderbilt in the tower, "all is well" at 3:00 P.M. as Wild Eagle saws through the front gate, and the Chief delivers his ensuing victory speech with a mop bucket covering his left moccasin.  As hilarious as the training setpiece was in Act One, Alexander tops it with an even more furious barrage of visual gags to compete with the onslaught of the verbal ones from James and Jacobs.  It all adds up to a frenzied, satisfying payoff after all that buildup.

Wild Eagle: And use double knots on O'Rourke!
O'Rourke: (sotto) Wild Eagle, you don't need to tie me up, you know that!
Wild Eagle: (also sotto) Sorry, Sarge, got to make it look good!"

There is one NAGGING QUESTION left after one watches The Day the Indians Won, however, and it has to do with Snake Eyes' rather muddled motivation.  After Fort Hekawi is established, the inspector instructs Wild Eagle to massacre F Troop and burn the fort down.  "How else Indian get country back?"  Okay, fair enough, but if that's the case, why would the Inspector want the Hekawi to attack another tribe as he did earlier, just for the sake of fighting?  If, as Snake Eyes implies (as does the name of his Council), all the Natives are working together to get the U.S.A. back, wouldn't killing each other be detrimental to that ultimate goal by diminishing their numbers?

Still, that's a defect that you won't be thinking about until the episode is over.  It's a gratifying F TROOP swan song for Ed James and Seaman Jacobs.  Which begs the question: why did the writers of Here Comes the Tribe and A Fort's Best Friend is not a Mother (to name two great entries) become personas non gratas during Season Two?

Seaman Jacobs shed a little light during his seven part interview for the Archive of American Television in 1999.  Long story short: the co-creators wanted to also co-produce the series, but lost out to Hy Averback due to their lack of a production track record.  (FWIW, about that track record: none of Averback's three prior series in that capacity had made it to a second season.)  Averback understandably favored the less ambitious writer Arthur Julian over the men who wanted his job, and once Executive Producer William T. Orr lost his power struggle with Ben Kalmenson at Warner Brothers, Averback gained even greater control over F TROOP halfway through the first season.  Which meant more script assignments to Julian, and fewer to the originating J.J.'s. 

James and Jacobs wrote only three of the initial season's final 17 entries, and were completely eliminated from Season Two after Averback officially ascended to Executive Producer.  Meanwhile, Julian was solely credited with 16 installments during that 1966-67 season, and while The Singing Mountie and Reach for the Sky, Pardner were among the best color episodes, fatigue was clearly evident as Julian produced some of the weakest F TROOP segments ever (i.e. That's Show Biz; Marriage, Fort Courage Style) down the stretch.  Julian would have been much more effective with about three or four fewer teleplays on his workload IMO.

While consistently solid Nielsen ratings showed that F TROOP's popularity continued unabated, the show was diluted creatively in year two by the loss of its founders--also two of its best writers.  With frequent power struggles at its studio (series television lost its greatest champion at WB with Orr's ouster) and on the set, it's a wonder in hindsight that F TROOP survived its truncated network life to become such a durable syndication staple.

But rather than lament what might have been, I prefer to enjoy the mostly delightful sixty-five episodes that we do have.  Unapologetically boisterous, The Day the Indians Won is near the very top of that list.

WHAT'S THE FINAL TALLY?

This marks the final staged "battle" of the first season.  The troopers prevailed in Scourge of the West and Old Ironpants, while the Hekawis "won at last" in The New I.G. on their own turf and took Fort Courage in this one.  So it's a 2-2 tie, though the Hekawi might get a little extra consideration for the only "road win" in the series.

NUMBER OF TIMES O'ROURKE COULD HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH TREASON:

This one has to be the most traitorous episode of all: lending Fort Courage to the Hekawis certainly surpasses loaning them the cannon.  Naturally, the boys are aware of it:

Agarn: "It's my conscience, Sarge!  A little voice keeps saying, Agarn--you're a Benedict Arnold!"
O'Rourke: "I got a little voice tellin' me somethin' too.  It keeps saying, O'Rourke--you're gonna get rich!"
Agarn: "I like your voice better."

PC, OR NOT PC?

The word "Injun" gets thrown around way too much here for modern sensibilities--even by Snake Eyes.  Speaking of, while he's just as bloodthirsty, the Native inspector has even less foresight and more cowardice than the Army I.G.'s that preceded him.  (In true F TROOP fashion, the Secretary of War can match him in the latter, given his reaction to seeing Geronimo in the flesh.)   On the other hand, pacifism continues to win out over hawkishness on both sides.

WISE OLD HEKAWI SAYING?

I guess there's little time for proverbs when you're preparing for battle, so it's up to Snake Eyes to give us a saying that apparently is even older than we thought: "Nice guys no win hunting grounds!"


THE BOTTOM LINE:

While it doesn't matter that much for a chosen favourite episode, this is one fond childhood memory that holds up to the greater scrutiny from adult eyes--it would be one of my favourites no matter when or how I discovered it.  The Day the Indians Won is a riotous coda for series creators James and Jacobs, with some of the show's guiltiest pleasures and cheapest belly laughs.  For F TROOP, each statement says a lot.  Like Our Brave in F Troop, it's easily one of the ten best segments of the series, and despite the lack of Hekawi wisdom, one of the most quotable as well.  (**** out of four)

Be sure to check out all the great entries in that March tradition, the Fourth Annual Favourite Episode Blogathon hosted by A Shroud of Thoughts!

F TROOP Fridays: "She's Only a Build in a Girdled Cage" (1965)

F TROOP Fridays: Number 17







F TROOP: "She's Only a Build in a Girdled Cage" (Warner Brothers/ABC-TV 1965) Season One, Episode 10.  Original Air Date: November 16, 1965.  Starring Forrest Tucker as Sergeant O'Rourke, Larry Storch as Corporal Agarn, Ken Berry as Captain Parmenter, Melody Patterson as Wrangler Jane, James Hampton as Bugler Dobbs, Bob Steele as Duffy, Joe Brooks as Vanderbilt, Ivan Bell as Duddleson.  Guest Stars: Patrice Wymore as Laura Lee, Nydia Westman as Mama Dobbs, Bartlett Robinson as Colonel Griswald, Charles Seel as Abijah Mimms.  Written by Larry Markes and Michael Morris.  Directed by Leslie Goodwins.


Mushy musings from Dobbs' mother are mistaken for a love letter from legendary soprano Laura Lee by a snooping Sergeant O'Rourke, who sees the wrong side of an attached newspaper clipping.  After erroneously "confirming" that Ms. Lee is on her way to Fort Courage, O'Rourke and Agarn scheme to profit off the "final, farewell" show by the Songbird of the South. 

Naturally, said performance will be held at the saloon, with all proceeds going to the (newly-formed) "Enlisted Men's Fund".  Colonel Griswald's subsequent visit creates phenomenal word of mouth for the event: Generals Sheridan, Sherman and Smith all accept the Colonel's invitation to attend.  Then Parmenter learns the truth from the bashful Bugler: "I don't know her from Adam!"

Variety show specialist Larry Markes (writer of over thirty DEAN MARTIN CELEBRITY ROASTS) and veteran sitcommer Michael Morris (THE FLYING NUN, BEWITCHED) co-wrote She's Only a Build in a Girdled Cage.  It would be the lone F TROOP segment for both--and in a most noticeable anamoly, the only episode to feature none of the Hekawis.  Predictably, Wild Eagle and Crazy Cat are missed.

With an acceptable idea for both the central misunderstanding and the latest moneymaking scheme for O'Rourke Enterprises, Girdled Cage starts with some intrigue.  Unfortunately the fatal flaw was a failure by the debuting Markes/Morris team to write the Sergeant effectively and consistently with the standards established by Jacobs, James, Julian and Barnett.

The most traditional of sharp operators, O'Rourke usually verifies diligently before trusting.  His indiscriminate manner in confirming the seemingly unbelievable romantic pairing of Laura Lee and Hannibal Dobbs is a flight of fancy that seems much more likely to befall Agarn.  The Sarge's low key invasion of his V.P.'s territory creates a domino effect, with the good Corporal reduced to the role of lead cheerleader while awaiting the stage's arrival.

"
So we have a fanciful O'Rourke, AWOL Hekawis, and Agarn relegated to the background.  Everything is off-kilter, and not in a good way.  We do get some insight into Dobb's New Orleans background, but if you're waiting to hear how this Louisiana Mama's Boy ended up spending the Civil War years at Fort Courage (or how his middle name came to be Shirley) you'll still be waiting when Ms. Lee exits for her next "final, farewell" performance.

She's Only a Build in a Girdled Cage isn't unconventional enough to give Private Hogan lines, as Jimmie Horan is again mute and uncredited.  But we do have a predictable but still inspired spin on the fall of the observation tower and yet another new Inspector General--Colonel Griswald, whose cordial invitations almost land Parmenter in hot water.  

The biggest saving grace is Ms. Laura Lee herself.   Patrice Wymore's sultry soprano doesn't arrive until the second Act is well underway but proves to be worth the wait.  The self-described ham performs from the masses from stagecoach to stage, planting one on Dobbs in front of his new adoring fans and getting some goo-goo eyes from officers and gentlemen, highlighted by some pricelessly animated mugging by Bob Steele's Trooper Duffy.

Wymore's career was winding down at this time, but she did return in Season 2 for a meatier role in the far superior Is This Fort Really Necessary?  That episode was not only F TROOP's swan song, but Wymore's as well: she retired to Jamaica in 1967, where third husband Errol Flynn had left her a 2,000-acre cocoanut plantation.  Wymore died in 2014.

HOW'S BUSINESS AT O'ROURKE ENTERPRISES?

The newly-established Enlisted Men's Fund is breaking even by about 300-400 percent according to O'Rourke, but things go askew for our enterprisers as Captain Parmenter takes the money the Sarge is counting---one more indication that our freshman F TROOP scripters simply didn't have a good grip on these characters:

NUMBER OF TIMES O'ROURKE COULD HAVE BEEN TRIED FOR TREASON:

No enemies around to consort with this time around.

PC, OR NOT PC?

The only people offended are the other ladies in attendance at Ms. Lee's performance.  And not just Wrangler Jane:

I mean, check out the lovely young lady sitting next to Trooper Duffy:

Which brings up our key NAGGING QUESTION:

Why is she so pissed at Duffy's exaggerated response to Laura?  Is she interested in the Fort's  senior soldier?  Do those old Alamo stories turn her on?  What's the deal?

THE BOTTOM LINE:

When the punny title is more outrageous than the proceedings, you have a middling (at best) first season entry.  Conventional gags and character inconsistencies add up to a mediocre outing; just way too soft in all respects.  (** out of four)

F TROOP Fridays: "Johnny Eagle Eye" (1966)

F TROOP Fridays: Episode 16






F TROOP: "Johnny Eagle Eye" (1966 ABC-TV/Warner Brothers) Season One, Episode 30.  Original Air Date: April 12, 1966.  Starring Forrest Tucker as Sgt. O'Rourke, Larry Storch as Corporal Agarn, Ken Berry as Captain Parmenter, Melody Patterson as Wrangler Jane, Frank deKova as Chief Wild Eagle, James Hampton as Bugler Dobbs, Joe Brooks as Vanderbilt, Bob Steele as Duffy. Guest Stars: Paul Petersen as Johnny Eagle Eye, Cathy Lewis as Whispering Breeze, James Griffith as Sergeant Crawford.  Directed by Seymour Robbie.  Written by Stan Dreben and Howard Merrill.

Muster is delayed, first by a frantic search for Vanderbilt's ever-ineffective glasses, then by the announcement of an Army marksmanship contest coming up at Fort Bravo.  The men are nonplussed by the announcement, but Captain Parmenter sees an opportunity for F Troop to "carve a niche in military history"(!). 

The letter is signed by Inspector General Burton, so poor Major Winster apparently didn't last very long after his failed Hekawi invasion in The New I.G.   Parmenter dismisses Janie's eager offer to represent (civilians are ineligible) and announces "open competition" will follow to determine F Troop's finest marksman.  All that's left is Bugler Dobbs' attempt at Chow Call, during which Vandy's glasses are located--inside the bugle.  The lenses are a little cracked, but still intact to help Vandy correct that 20/900 vision.

Forgoing the mess hall, O'Rourke and Agarn are off in the wagon for what we learn is a long overdue check-in with business partner Chief Wild Eagle.  W.E. is unhappy, and not because his cohort is again peddling goods made in Jersey City.  We learn the saloon is very well stocked these days, since F Troop's enlisted men apparently haven't visited the Hekawi camp in at least 12 days (see below).  That's how long the Chief has been hosting relatives: his sister Whispering Breeze, a.k.a. Mrs. Sitting Bull, and her son, the Chief's nephew Johnny Eagle Eye.

Guest stars Lewis and Petersen were wrapping up long-running gigs on HAZEL and THE DONNA REED SHOW (275 episodes as Jeff Stone for the latter) respectively.  Cathy Lewis was most famed for her lengthy radio resume (she was Jane Stacy on MY FRIEND IRMA); sadly, Johnny Eagle Eye would be one of her final roles.  She died of cancer two years later at 51.

Whispering Breeze and Johnny Eagle Eye arrived at the Hekawi camp for the weekend-- "twelve days ago".  The Lakota holy man believes in separate vacations, and is presently in Arizona.  Mr. and Mrs. Bull are as progressive in parenting as they are in their union.  "Say no to boy, him feel unloved."  Raising him to be a gentleman includes indulging his passionate interest in shooting, so the hills are alive with the sounds of gunfire.  Wild Eagle seems to understand why Sitting Bull is taking a breather from the Mrs. and his crack shot son.

"Him not crack shot, him crack pot!" according to Wild Eagle, but the Mrs. won't hear of it.  She encourages her son's marksmanship, to the point of insisting that Johnny Eagle Eye be allowed to test his prowess in increasingly daring demonstrations.  He shoots a "17 jewel gold watch" out of O'Rourke's hand  ("THAT goes on your bill!" the Sarge informs the Chief) and more impressively, shoots a caterpillar off the branch of a faraway tree and a match out of the Chief's hand while he tries to light his pipe.  It's all making Wild Eagle a nervous wreck, but the ever-resourceful O'Rourke may have a way to calm his business partner's nerves.

Well, we all know where this is heading.  Sergeant Crawford at Fort Bravo is the overwhelming favorite in that upcoming contest, but O'Rourke senses a changing of the guard.  "Can you imagine how much we can win bettin' than a man from F Troop can beat Sergeant Crawford?"

True, Johnny's not in the army, but the Sarge has a solution: put him in a suit of a buckskins, and he miraculously becomes an Indian Scout for F Troop.  Yes, the pilot episode taught us that Fort Courage already has 13 such scouts, but Johnny's prowess makes a 14th desirable.   And not just to the non-coms: Wild Eagle thinks taking Johnny away until Saturday is a great idea.  But Mrs. Bull is a tougher sell.  "He'll be a celebrity!  He'll come back with a medal from our leader!" O'Rourke declares.

"A medal from your President.  That I'll frame."  Momma warily lets the soldiers have their way.  It's on to the Fort, where O'Rourke and Agarn can take on the easier task of selling the Captain. 

As luck would have it, the Commanding Officer at Fort Courage already has the men mustered for qualifying rounds.  Apparently seniority is a factor, since Trooper Duffy gets first shot.

Duffy blows the dust of that rifle that appears to have been with him since his Alamo days.  "I haven't used it that much lately", he admits, and after he does, it's clear it's going to stay that way.

Before the next contestant can take a crack at the targets, O'Rourke, Agarn and Johnny ride into the fort, with the Sarge regaling the Captain with tales of the young man's heroism after the troopers were ambushed by Apaches.

Corporal Agarn can't decide if Johnny drove off ten, six or three renegades, but no matter.  The young man agreed on the spot to be a scout for F Troop, and Sergeant O'Rourke graciously offers to take care of all the necessary paperwork for the Captain.  All neat and easy---but hearing the word "bet" triggers Parmenter.  Wilton reminds the men that Section 6, Article 5 of the Army Manual absolutely forbids members of the Armed Forces to gamble. 

(Guess that would have been news to Sergeant Bilko.  Maybe it was repealed sometime after 1866?)

(R) Fort Bravo's Sgt. Crawford, the army's best marksman

At the saloon, Sergeant O'Rourke assuades the fears of the commanding officer.  "All right, none of you men do any gambling!  I'm covering all the action!"  Visiting from Fort Bravo, reigning champion Sergeant Crawford can hardly believe his luck.  "You're bettin' that a man from F Troop is gonna outshoot me?"  Crawford's Fort Courage counterpart assures him that it is no joke, and raises the stakes to $1,000 as proof.   Crawford can hardly contain his glee, and his literal parting shot ("the chip AND the moose--with one bullet!") does succeed in intimidating Agarn, who wants his .002 percent of the stake (a.k.a. $2.00) back.

The Sarge, however, remains undeterred.  "I'd bet my last dollar on it--in fact, I have!"  His musing is interrupted by an insistent Whispering Breeze, who has brought oatmeal cookies, extra blankets, and a warning: if her son is not back on Saturday night as promised, her husband will arrive with a standing Army of 10,000 Sioux braves for revenge.   "Crumble Fort Courage like this."

Pretty emphatic cautionary gesture there.  When's the last time you saw a mother waste one of her homemade cookies?  That warning becomes considerably more ominous after Mrs. Bull leaves, when Captain Parmenter arrives with splendid news: the winner of the contest will be transferred to The White House in Washington, D.C. for a permanent post as Bodyguard for the POTUS!

"Relax, will ya?  This is not a time for panic, it's a time for calm judgement!"  As usual, Agarn provides the former, so it's up to Sergeant O'Rourke to come through with the latter.  The Corporal is cogent enough to point out that a treason charge might actually be the bright side of things, since Johnny's trip to D.C. will also bring Alamo-like odds to the Troop once Sitting Bull arrives.  (At least Duffy has a history of surviving those, right?)

On the other hand, the price of losing the contest is the entire working capital of O'Rourke Enterprises.  Given the penalty for treason, it's truly a "your money or your life" moment for the Sarge, but he doesn't have to give it nearly as much thought as Jack Benny.  "We've got to lose the thousand dollars.  We have got to get Johnny Eagle Eye to go home."

But the Son of Sitting Bull is keen on proving he's the best in the West, and refuses to withdraw.  "Who going to make me?"

"2,000 miles away?"  Mrs. Bull is ready to call for her husband. (Actually, Washington D.C. is about 1,450 miles away from Sitting Bull's territory, and 1,100 miles away from Fort Courage, proving that parents have been exaggerating for literally centuries.)  Ever the cool head, the Sarge opines that they just need someone to beat the young scout. 

It won't be easy--Johnny Eagle Eye only has ONE defeat in his short history, and that was two long years ago.  At the age of 12, to his father, which made the lad go "goony goony".  The sore loser held his breath, turned purple, threw a tomahawk, and ran away from home.  In other words, his mother has spoiled him rotten, just like Wild Eagle's son Bald Eagle.
  
The description of the temper tantrum sends O'Rourke and Agarn looking for another crack shot.  In this territory, there's only one.....

Janie is the best sharpshooter in the territory, but she isn't on board with the sleight of hand required to get her into this contest.  That is, until O'Rourke pulls out the one card that always plays with Wrangler Jane.  Yup,the Captain.  "The trusting type.  He let Johnny in as a scout, and...."  Well, his father's identity must be kept a secret, Jane.  The number of places that Wilton would be busted down and transferred to has varied throughout the season.  This time, it's Hoboken.  Far enough away to convince Janie to play along.

But Janie is right; they need someone in F Troop.  Who's the man to teach Johnny Eagle Eye a lesson in humility?

"Me???"

Yes, Vandy---you!   It takes a little convincing--tales of nearsighted marksmen in days of yore and a little bit of help during a card trick--but F Troop's sentry is eventually fired up and ready to challenge the young upstart. 

"What card???  Whose hand???"

That is, if he can find his way out the door.

Having the sentry in the contest conveniently frees the lookout tower for Janie.

(Here's hoping no one fires the cannon anytime soon.)

With Vandy and Janie on board, and Agarn securely out of view but able to tamper with the targets, all the elements are in place.

That Vandy!  What a jokester!

No wonder Johnny is incredulous when he sees his challenger.

But that long winning streak is coming to an end (with an asterisk, what with the cheating and all).  After starting off one inch off the bulls-eye, Johnny completely unravels against the "seasoned" Vanderbilt, missing all three bottles. 

By the time all is said and done, Vandy is offering handicaps, and Johnny is storming out the gate.  Hey, he ran away from home last defeat, and he's running back after this one!  It's another successful mission for the non-coms, but there's one Hell of a hangover...

Imagine: Vanderbilt shooting against Crawford.

"A thousand dollars down the drain!" 

Or is it?

"Awarded to F Troop, winner of Marksmanship Award!"   No joke, that's really what it says:

No, Vanderbilt didn't really BEAT Crawford.  The reigning champion was disqualified!  "They looked into his papers and found out his real name is Crow Foot!  He was never officially inducted into the Army--he was going to enter the contest under false pretenses."

For shame!  Leave it to the Sarge to sum it all up, and leave the Captain thoroughly impressed with the philosophical thinking: 

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."

And with that out of the way, back to the normal, everyday deceptions at Fort Courage.  O'Rourke has plenty of profits to share with Wild Eagle in the coda, Johnny Eagle Eye has (finally) stopped crying, and the Chief starts once he learns that Johnny has taken up the drums and is staying for two more weeks for lessons.

Wow, a month away from his wife and son--and counting.  That Sitting Bull is one broad-minded husband and father!

NAGGING QUESTIONS:

Why didn't Vanderbilt get that transfer to D.C. that was promised to the winner?  (Imagine: Vanderbilt in charge of protecting Andrew Johnson....)  And since F Troop technically won, did O'Rourke double his money?  (Well, okay, $1,996 for O'Rourke, $4 for Agarn.)

NUMBER OF TIMES O'ROURKE COULD HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH TREASON:

Yeah, Johnny's prospective arrival in Washington would have done the trick, and so would that background check if the O'Rourke Enterprisers had been unfortunate enough to actually send the young Bull to shoot.

But seriously--O'Rourke's so-called treachery utterly pales in comparison to what's going on over at Fort Bravo.  Not only is Indian Crow Foot actually in the army, but he's been there for quite some time, probably several years--long enough to get promoted to Sergeant (that took O'Rourke ten years!)!  He's also won this annual contest before, at least once.  I wonder how many co-conspirators over at Fort Bravo were executed over this scandal?

PC OR NOT PC?

Mrs. Bull describes her parenting as progressive, and the rest of Johnny Eagle Eye follows suit. Two Native Americans are the best marksmen in the entire Army, far outclassing any white man.  Johnny Eagle Eye's only legitimate loss ever came to his father (of course, another Native) and the only sharpshooter in his class, civilian or otherwise, is female.  And, while it took a bit of chicanery, Private Vanderbilt scores one for the differently abled as the new best shot in the army (at least, officially).  Un-PC?  F TROOP gets a bum rap, I tell ya!

THE BOTTOM LINE:

The incredible sprint to the first season's finish line continues, as Johnny Eagle Eye is F TROOP at its subversive best.  The Captain remains clueless, and the "sinners" don't just go unpunished: they are rewarded handsomely. O'Rourke and Agarn either make a lot of money (the stage came in with a lot of tourists, we learn in the tag) or a LOT of money (if the "bet" stood)--downright earthshaking karma for the sitcom world of 1966.  Even if you aren't reading that much into this, Johnny Eagle Eye is one more loopy winner from Dreben and Merrill.  The laughs are plentiful and Robbie brings them home with fervor.  Longtime radio star Cathy Lewis gives a highly enjoyable performance--sadly, one of her last..  (**** out of four)