"COPS!! He yelled, COPS!!" : Officer Toody's Finest Half Hour

(This is The Horn Section's contribution to the Me Tv "Summer of Classic TV Blogathon", hosted by our friends at the Classic TV Blog Association!  Go to the Classic TV Blog Association to view all of the posts in this blogation, highlighting shows airing this summer on the Me TV schedule!  Click here to learn more about Me-TV, and to find a Me-TV network affiliate in your area, click here!)

CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU? -- "Toody Undercover" (1962) Starring Joe E. Ross, Fred Gwynne, Al Lewis, Paul Reed, Barnard Hughes, Bruce Gordon, George Mathews, Hank Garrett, Barney Martin, Jane Rose.  Written by Terry Smith.  Directed by Nat Hiken.

He literally "wore his breakfast" every morning.  He was married eight times, always to a "lady of the evening" per CAR 54 co-star Hank Garrett.  It was commonplace for him to use loud profanity in front of visitors to the set--children included. 

How did the man's co-workers feel about him?  Just listen to Charlotte Rae and Garrett on the Season One DVD commentary.  In addition, IT'S ABOUT TIME co-star Imogene Coca referred to him as "that awful man".  Nat Hiken (the genius behind SERGEANT BILKO) was so fed up with his unprofessionalism, it was rumored that if CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU? had been renewed for a third season, it would have returned without him playing Officer Gunther Toody.

The stories about slobby, short (5'6") Joe E. Ross are legendary, as detailed here by Kliph Nesterhoff.  Still, whatever the comedian's personal shortcomings, fans loved him, and his "Ooh!  Ooh!" catchphrase is likely to be the first thing that pops into your head when someone mentions CAR 54.   While Joe E. Ross was the walking definition of a one-dimensional actor, he was undeniably a perfect fit for CAR 54 and it is impossible to imagine anyone else playing Toody alongside Fred Gwynne's Officer Francis Muldoon. 

Given Hiken's feelings and experiences (Garrett went so far as to conclude that Ross "caused Hiken's heart attack"), it may be telling that the most memorable episode to bring Gunther Toody front and center was scripted by Terry Smith.  (Hiken did direct the episode; he'd won an Emmy for Direction in Comedy the prior season.)  "Toody Undercover", the ninth entry in CAR 54's second and final season, was as close to a tour de force for Joe E. Ross as any episode could be.  Gwynne, Al Lewis (as Officer Schnauzer) and the rest of the 53rd Precinct's officers took a back seat, and Beatrice Pons (Mrs. Toody) did not appear at all.  Despite their reduced involvement, it remains one of the funniest of the series' 60 half hours (the show ran from 1961 to 1963).

We open on about the most stereotypical group of mobsters (well, circa 1962) that you could imagine, led by George Mathews, who made a career out of playing heavies.  In this case, "Patsy Peru".

In his personal life, he was a chess master.  Peru is gleefully informing the rest of his gang that "no one knows we're here", but he is shown to be sadly mistaken.  He's being viewed by a set of binoculars and his foursome is being identified as "out of town hoods from Kansas City".  The officer behind those binoculars is on the phone with his superior, giving us Me-TV veterans a "that guy" alert--it's Barnard Hughes!

But the beloved Father Majeski (only 47 here but already looking ready for the grandfatherly roles) was merely guest starring on CAR 54 as the Chief of Police.  These new arrivals have Hughes fearing some holdups in the Bronx, so our Captain Block (Paul Reed) is in the next room rounding up volunteers for overtime.

Officer Toody is obviously raring for action, having been to bed right after Huntley and Brinkley the night before ("Goodnight, Chet" was followed by "Goodnight, Lucille!" per Gunther).  But, well, let's just say he isn't the Captain's first choice:

Or the second, third or 54th for that matter.  Inconsolable after being bypassed yet again ("Everybody's in on it but me!"), Gunther shuns his partner's offer of a lift and decides to walk home.

Gunther trudges home in his street clothes, a guy who just wants a chance.  Today, though, fate lends a hand.  Peru and his boys just happen to be "laying low" at a spot on Toody's route home, and when they cross paths, Patsy swears he knows him.  Toody's a dead ringer for "Moose" Merkowitz (who we never meet, since he's in Sing Sing per Toody).

Toody's intimate knowledge of Moose's current situation and other mobsters ("it's my business to know") leads Patsy to believe that "Bull" (Toody's high school nickname) would be a great local contact.  Toody is loyal (to a fault?) to his "current outfit" and passes, but admits "it's sure nice to be wanted".

When Gunther shows up on the surveillance photos, Captain Block demands an explanation, and Hughes is ecstatic to hear it.  "Congratulations, Captain!  You've planted your own man!"  Chief Hughes wants Gunther undercover, with the warning that the mobsters must never suspect that he's a policeman.

Captain Block: "That's simple.  Have him wear his uniform."

Once the need for a disguise is nixed (Gunther hilariously explains that he's already in disguise) and our undercover man is In Like Flynn, Toody's home field advantage pays immediate dividends for Peru and minions.  Toody has late breaking news on the location of the rare furs they're planning to steal and knows the new location "like the back of my hand".  It's Sweeney's Warehouse, and Toody dutifully notifies the Captain under the guise of calling his mother.

This only assures Peru that he's chosen the right man.  "Callin' his Mudder.  He's got it up here (head) AND here (heart)."

Toody's in tune with the layout, so much so that Peru puts him in charge.  And, in an instance of art imitating life, being the "Chief" and Go-To Guy goes to Toody's head.  When the Police Captain reveals his location, the undercover man does what any great leader would do:

He blurts "Cops!!  Let's get out of here!!" to his new minions.

Cops!!  He yelled, 'Cops"!!

The mad scramble that ensues (without the Captain, whose stunned, prolonged reaction is probably Reed's funniest moment of the entire series) results in "Chief Bull" saving the gang from near-certain capture.  "They called me 'Chief', and I just got carried away."

Amazingly, Hughes isn't deterred by the setback.  After ruling out Captain Block's suggestion of Fort Knox for his next job ("With only five men?"), Toody has information that the "Big Boss" is coming in.  Even Hughes is stunned.  "This is bigger than we thought."  HOW big?  The Big Boss is none other than Frank Nitti himself:

Bruce Gordon was probably ready to spoof his well worn mafia persona after playing Nitti some 30 times on THE UNTOUCHABLES, and he would later do it on a weekly basis in 1966's RUN, BUDDY, RUN.  But CAR 54 marked the very first time he played his "type" to comic effect.  As "Biggie" Bigelow, let's just say he was none too happy about the botched warehouse job.

He's also unhappy with Toody "talkin' to me DIRECT", leading to several more hilarious slaps, but after getting a taste of Gunther's inside information on a prospective bank job, he's just as impressed with "Bull" as Peru.  So much so that he entrusts Bull with the task of finding a bank.  And so it's off again to call "Mudder" while Biggie gushes: "We're in the presence of a criminal great!!!!"

Mudder Block instructs "Bull" Toody to lead 'em to The Third National Bank.  After Gunther repeats it thrice, the Captain is confident that the second trap is set.

Well, sort of confident, anyway.  Determined to get it right this time, Gunther repeats "The Third National Bank" all the way back to the room, and right past a radio.....

.....that is playing the irresistably catchy commercial from our sponsor: The Federal City Savings Bank.

"Put your money in the Federal City
All the smart New Yorkers do!
F-E-D-E-R-A-L
Federal City is the Bank for you!!

Gunther's repetitive tune changes, and we all immediately know which bank "Bull", "Biggie" and "Patsy" will actually be taking down.  I guess there really IS such a thing as bad publicity.

So the Good News is that Undercover Toody won't be yelling "Cops!" this time.  The Bad News is the reason he won't: there won't be any "Cops!" around.  While they're camped out, waiting in ambush at The Third National Bank...

...."Bull" and his new henchmen will be "taking candy from a baby" at the Federal City.  So much for those smart New Yorkers, eh?

While Captain Block fears the worst as 11 PM blends into Midnight and beyond, Toody stalls ("Wait! We forgot to take the adding machines!") and stalls.  And stalls, to the point of removing the wastebaskets, teller cages and doorknobs.  This precise attention to detail further convinces Bigelow of the genius of this up and coming "criminal great".  "No fingerprints!  Whatever you touch, you take!"  

It all results in an empty store where a bank stood the day before, and Captain Block's lament: "How can such a DUMB cop be such a SMART crook?"

Meanwhile, the Toody Gang calculates the take on those adding machines: $347,000, or about $2.5 million in today's dollars. 

Biggie feels logical next move is to blow town 'til the heat's off, but after a heist like this he defers to "Bull" who whispers that he has an even bigger job in mind.  The instantly astonished Bigelow quickly concludes: "It's too big for ME to handle!"  Mafia leaders from all across the U.S.A. are called in to implement Bull's next plan.

Toody's quick thinking (first time for everything?) apparently bought him a third chance, since we see Block and the Chief of Police again peering through the binoculars at the meeting to reveal Bull's "master plan".  Actually, it's Block's earlier suggestion.  Fort Knox!

"Bull" has a lot of hype to live up to, as Bigelow introduces him as "the leader we've been waiting for since Big Al left us"!  When Bull reveals that the plan involves all of them being in the federal penitentiary at Leavenworth, they're nonplussed.

That is, until Biggie Bigelow calms them down.  After all, it's only a couple hundred miles from Fort Knox and has all the supplies they'll need for the job.  Plus, breaking out will be "child's play" to Bull's mind!  The problem is, getting IN--it takes a federal rap.

Fortunately all of our syndicate leaders have one, from counterfeiting to draft dodging (pre Vietnam!) and happily pile into the police wagon outside after confessing.  The final instructions from the New Al Capone?  "Don't do nothin' 'til you hear from me!"  Ecstatic to be part of a job that appears to be a career capper, the giddy Bigelow kissing "Bull" on the cheek before he hops in!

"I just gotta!"

It can be assumed that none of the members of the National Crime Syndicate looked back from the wagon, for if they had, they'd have seen "Bull" consorting with the "Cops!".  As we fade out, our undercover man gets a second kiss on the cheek--from Captain Block.

When all is said and done, an olive branch from Hiken to his troublesome star?  Maybe so.  Then again, maybe not.  Gunther probably faced an eventual contract on his life once Biggie and the guys realized they'd been had.  Perhaps the director was setting up a sequel episode AND swan song that would make Officer Toody's return literally impossible.

With the benefit of hindsight (and those DVD commentaries) it's fun to speculate that perhaps writer Smith was making his own statement on the controversial Joe E. Ross with "Toody Undercover".  Art imitating life?  Gunther Toody is unwanted and unloved, and we're shown it's for good reason.  He fits in perfectly with the "lowest of the low" and screws up royally to increasing degrees.  It truly appears for much of the episode that this department would be far better off without him and Captain Block openly fantasizes about getting rid of him--just like CAR 54's creative captain, Hiken.  Toody goes beyond being a lovable screwup: he's a genuine menace to the public when he's front and center at the Federal City caper.  But he's lucky--as lucky as, say, a one-dimensional performer being cast as the lead in a top 25 Nielsen hit--and he proves to be a valuable asset in spite of himself in the end.  

Regardless of the episode's subtext (and despite the plot getting a bit hard to swallow towards the climax) "Toody Undercover" remains a prime example of the wiseacre energy and wonderful lunacy of CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU? and arguably the finest showcase for the talents of Joe E. Ross.  If there was ever a doubt about him being perfectly cast, this outing proves that he was, and it's hard for me to imagine the show lasting very long without him.  Unlike, say, BARNEY MILLER without Abe Vigoda.  This second season entry also gets a terrific boost from guest star Bruce Gordon, who appears to have the grandest of times poking fun at his Frank Nitti image.

CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU? airs at 2 AM and 2:30 AM ET Sundays on Me-TV, followed by an hour of Nat Hiken's other smash hit, THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW.  Both are true television classics that are well worth staying up for.

Television Review: QUINCY, M.E. - "Jury Duty" (1981)

QUINCY, M.E.: THE HILARIOUS YEARS  


Number 5 -- "Jury Duty" (1981 NBC-TV/Universal) 




Starring Jack Klugman, Robert Ito, John S. Ragin, Val Bisoglio, Garry Walberg, Joseph Roman.  Special Guest Stars Joan Darling, Robert Alda, Sam Groom, Morgan Stevens, Joe Maross.  Directed by Georg Fenady.


JURY DUTY opens with a car coming to a stop in a secluded area on a dirt road.  A young couple, parked on a balmy night under the stars, arguing.  Arguing?  The feather-haired guy is dating the "precious daughter" (his words) of the Reverend, who apparently doesn't want her married yet.  Based on what ensues, the Rev has a point: she definitely comes across as too immature for it.  She bolts from the car and declares she never wants to see him again (I take that as a "no" to the proposal, Bud).  The proposer chases her to the edge of a cliff, grabs her....and we dissolve to Quincy's office.

Quincy is livid about being billed for a call to Nigeria.  A phone scam from pre-Internet days?  He's even more perturbed about a $48. charge for an overdue book, but excited to be accepted for jury duty.  Astin reminds him of the hardship they'll be under at the morgue, but Hell, the Big Q spends enough time away from the office trying to push legislation and do Monahan's job for him, so what's a few days in court Doc?  Astin can't even entice Q to avoid his civic duty with a curse of a case.  While we all start wondering just how many vacation days Quincy gets in a year (I'd put the over/under at 212) the action takes us to the courthouse.

"C'mon Quincy, I'm serious!  Could you please work at least 2 days this week??"

Quince is so determined to get away from the corpses for a few days that he's there despite being only a third alternate.  In court, prosecutor Sam Groom lays it out, calling boyfriend Frank Munson a stalker, rapist and murderer in quick succession.  Granted, he did chase after her, but she was with him willingly on the drive out, and unless he raped her at the base of a cliff while they were both clothed, I think two of Groom's florid accusations are going to be pretty hard to prove.

However, Groom's charges do take a toll on Munson's father, who steals this episode's first Outrage! from the Big Q, sweating profusely....

Careful, dude, you'll blow a gasket!

....which is followed by chest pains and a collapse.

Too late!

Hmm.  Is D.A. Groom a murderer now?  Or at least an involuntary manslaughterer?  The judge quickly clears the jury, but Quincy remains, working to save the life of the stricken father and reduce Sam's workload by one.

Who says I'm not doing my part for the boys at the morgue?

Naturally, while a man's life hangs in the balance, our lawyers (Groom and Robert Alda, sporting a really bad combover) have a far greater concern, whether or not Quincy's actions will prejudice the potential juror.  Way to enhance the public perception of your profession there, guys!

Robert Alda's combover: a 6.5 on the Zero Mostel scale

Despite the potential contamination of juror Quincy, the Big Q insists it won't affect his judgement.  Damn, the guy really wants to stay on jury duty!  Anything to get away from Astin and the dead bodies?   Also of note is judge Darling's fierce defense of the coroner, who she "knows" to be honest.  Hmm.  Sounds like our Casanova Coroner has a shot!  Then again, in the Quincyverse, does he ever NOT have a chance at a little hey hey?

Watch it, Hal!  I'm a judge you know....

Sam tells us he's at 36 hours and holding, and after an office pool update its back to the courtroom.  Alternate Quincy asks plenty of questions while the chosen twelve sit there like lumps.  Jack Klugman isn't surrounded by any angry men this time, but we are down one alternate (flu).  A Lieutenant is on the stand.  No, not Monahan:

THIS toupee? A minus-2 on the Raymond Bailey scale.

But he's no more competent than our beloved LAPD answer to Hamilton Burger, and his toupee actually makes Alda's hairstyle choice look downright spiffy!  The cop notes two large scratches on the suspect's left cheek, and taking the man into custody within an hour.  Alda successfully points up the man's inexperience with homicides (three) while Quincy keeps asking questions.  Quincy's most pointed question implies that the evidence may have been contaminated by the many bystanders.  (I wonder if anyone from O.J.'s Dream Team was aware of this episode?)

"As the star, I insist on the remainder of this trial's questions, your Honor!"

There's only time for a quick lunch at Danny's before Q is due back in court, during which we hear about another juror being excused.  I'm thinking this courtroom has to be more cursed than Asten's enticing case at this point.  Once we're back in court, Quincy questions the coroner on the stand, Dr. Morris, who admits he doesn't know how long it took to get the evidence to the lab.  More shades of O.J.!

Groom is getting nervous, and despite her crush the Judge admonishes the Klug Man.  "No more questions based on your special knowledge, Dr. Quincy!"

Hey, relax, Doc.  Quincy even makes Columbo look like a moron

I have to ask--why not?  Quincy is asking questions that the defense attorney should be asking.  I'm not baffled as much by the DA's protests as I am the lack of any input from Alda at this point.  Then again, by simply doing nothing, Alda is letting Q pick apart the DA's case.  He's either incompetent or damned efficient.  I just can't figure out which one, yet.

I'm also thinking that those dinners at Danny's are far more convenient for Quincy than his co-workers.  Think about it.  This episode clearly establishes that Quincy resides and votes in a different county than the one he works in (presumably Los Angeles County) since he's eligible for the jury.  A different coroner and police Lieutenant worked this homicide--and the latter actually makes Monohan look good.  (No easy task.)  Yet Danny's is close enough to the courthouse for the Big Q to hurry up and eat lunch.  Interestingly, while Quincy leaves, Monohan and Brill (with no lines, as usual) show up. 

I could waste a lot more space figuring out who lives where and why Quincy is apparently the only qualified coroner, homicide investigator AND defense attorney within at least a hundred miles of L.A., but we've still got over half an episode to go, so I'll move on.

"Should I hit on the Judge, or her?  Decisions, decisions...."

The question craze reaches a peak when the female juror pictured above asks the coroner (the one on the stand--not Quincy, believe it or not!) if he's married.  When the Judge restores order, the tissue expert is next up, telling us there's "no doubt" that the defendant fired a handgun on the night in question.  He also goes into detail about the human semen test.  At least he did use the human test, so he may be our most competent expert witness to date.  Quincy tries to ask another question that Groom doesn't want, and finally gets shushed by the Judge. 

At recess, the Big Q phones Sam about that human semen test.  He gets the answer from Sam, proving that yes indeedy, the "tissue expert" missed something.  "Quince, if this is about the trial you're on you could get in a lot of trouble!"

While Quincy is breaking the law in order to preserve it, we finally hear something substantial from Mr. Alda.  The combed over attorney has something to say alright--to his agent, about a lack of exposure for his book, as The Big Q glumly looks on.  Probably wondering why he has to do everyone else's job.  There's no time for this though, as Quince is off to the men's room.  He needs an accomplice to get his questions asked now, so he talks to a tax attorney about becoming Scofflaw # 2. 

Your Honor isn't convinced when he asks the first one.  She goes to questions in writing beforehand.  Yes, teacher--I mean Judge.  But despite this public display, during the next recess we see that Quincy's professional curiosity is having an impact on Judge Darling.  The dropouts now have our coroner officially on the jury, but also arm in arm with the Judge(!) and bantering about his questions(!).  Then, there's that look she gives him before the fadeout.

Yep, Quince, I'm thinking you're a Slam Dunk this week.

Whether it's the joy of the chase or the warning that our heart attack victim provided earlier, JURY DUTY seems very light on Outrage!s at the thirty minute mark.  The defendant himself takes the stand after the commercial break.  He is calmly adamant about not firing a gun, not having sexual relations with the deceased (they were waiting for marriage) and not killing her.  His calm demeanor doesn't last, as the next witness is one of her exes, who testifies about her instability.  While the defendant is perturbed, but under control. 

That is, until he finds out that the victim wasn't a virgin--from her ex.  Thus, our second Outrage!  I spoke too soon.

The defendant is furious and frustrated, but no moreso than our star juror, who after all this time is ready to disqualify hmself.  "There is evidence being accepted that has so many holes in it it looks like swiss cheese!" 

Judge Darling doesn't seem to disagree with The Big Q, but she doesn't want a mistrial after all this effort.  She gives Quince a classic 'open ended' answer:  "You do what you have to do and I'll do what I have to do, and we'll let the chips fall where they may!  They're going to be very heavy chips, and if they fall, they're gonna fall on YOUR head!"

On Quincy's way in, the baliff is doing his job.

Conveniently, when Quincy leaves, the bailiff who was present when he arrived has stepped out, giving him the window of opportunity needed to steal the coroner's report and other evidence on his way out.

To paraphrase Al Bundy, it's only stealing...if you get caught.

And with this evidence securely snatched, we are treated to something that was increasingly becoming a rarity by this sixth season, at least after an episode's first five minutes.  Quincy is back at the morgue!

Only I get to go on dates, Sam, not you!

Sam is trying to go, he's got a date!  (Again?)  But Quince has work for him to do.  We've got to analyze semen from a crime committed out of our jurisdiction with a trial already in progress that will be a mistrial if I get caught and.....oh, Hell, you get the point.  Big Q has really gone out of a limb here. 

Remember, he's been handling semen.

The next day in the Judge's chambers with Groom and Alda present, Quince is called in asks for a mistrial.  After Sam's tests and a study of the lab report he swiped, Quincy believes the defendant is innocent.

At least Combover is pleased.  For now.

 If Groom looks unhappy, well, just wait until The Big Q starts tearing him and his case apart.  Allowing numerous people "from a bar" to "mill around the crime scene like a Chinese fire drill".  And, as expected, the scientific evidence that wasn't destroyed "didn't fit with what my experience had taught me".

"Months of work, thousands of taxpayer's dollars" is Groom's frustrated response.  But as usual, Quincy is allowed to continue, and to point out the numerous mistakes made by coroners and analysts not named Quincy and Sam.  Anti-human semen test doesn't work inside vagina (but it does work on clothing, we learn.  So Bill Clinton wouldn't have wanted one).  In addition, the contamination of the specimen has been known to "produce a false B blood type" in tests. 

You don't question me on MY show, got it???

"Nothing stops you, does it Doctor?"
"Not when I'm looking for the truth!"

And with THAT out of the way, let's talk about that toupee....

The case won, and thousands of taxpayer dollars from a potential second trial saved.  But there's still one bit of business for the Klug Man to attend to: berating Alda, the defense lawyer who was more interested in his book than the life of his clients.  Hey, Quincy's entitled--after all, he just did Alda's job for him.  "No one is born with arrogance--they cultivate it along the way."  Maybe Quincy should write the book for him too?  He could certainly do the promotional tour with all his vacation time.

Judge wants to go out with the Big Q.  Hubba hubba!

Under the robe all along!

The explanation at Danny's is used to exonerate Quincy on the many laws broken during the course of his jury service.  One thing that isn't explained: why the Hell doesn't Sam bring one of those dates he's always forced to break to these wrap-up dinners?  Since Quincy is always on a date of his own here, it's the one place that Sam might be safe from The Big Q's constant cockblocking.

Classic superhero Quincy this time out: he's DA, EMT, homicide detective, pathologist, prosecutor, juror AND moral conscience rolled into one, but so damn humble about it.  And can't we look past the tampering with evidence, stealing of said evidence, discussion of the case outside of court and eavesdropping considering that there's just so much damn incompetence to overcome?  Hell, even the Judge is willing to bend the rules for Quince, despite the fact that she's only gonna be a one episode girlfriend for our heartbreaker in the brown station wagon.  That's the power of Q!  (**1/2 out of four)